Fear Is Just A Bully

Lately I've been out-running a monster. It's teeth are sharp and sink into the flesh of my soul. Every time I think about the what ifs I can feel it's hot breath.

Maybe in the dark you wonder, as I do, if the sting and ache of giving birth really is easier than the raising of the young ones. What if parts get broken that can't be fixed. What if little arms eager now for a hug stop hugging, or hug the wrong person, or fall still in illness. The black hole of what ifs could drown a mother's heart.

And then God's call to follow him, in hazy moments, looms like a mountain, bigger than Everest ever was. What if my heart can't contain the pain I find where he leads, or bursts from the love. What if I'm haunted by the blue eyes of the little boy lying in his crib, forever? What if I fail. At what, I'm not even sure.

The foul breath of "not enough" stalks me when I scroll through Pinterest. (I stopped watching the news years ago because I knew red eyes lurked behind headlines, waiting to consume me.) But it's there, down grocery isles, and in magazines, behind Facebook posts, I feel it's hot breath.

The stench of Fear, and his brother Failure, wafts around me at night as I try to sleep. 

Why? I say I believe God is who he says he is and will do what he says he'll do. But I doubt myself. 

Is redemption more powerful than the brokenness, forgiveness weightier than the chains, will he keep his word even to one such as me? Have you ever asked yourself those questions? 

And then the darkness fades and I read words that swell my eyes with tears and shape my lips into a yes.

Those who enter into Christ’s being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death. God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn’t deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all...So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? ~ Romans 8:1-4, 31 The Message

Did you just fall a little bit more in love? If that doesn't take care of every fear and what if I don't know what possibly could. I've known, but I'm learning anew, that looking at every situation, every person, every weakness through Jesus changes everything. 

When the teeth of fear sink into our hearts Jesus is the only antidote. Ask your fears "is there anything, ANYTHING, else God wouldn't gladly and freely do for me, the one he loves, the one who's trusting him?" And of course the answer is no. He's given everything already, there's nothing left to hold back. 

Play the what if game. What if the job is lost, the child is ill, the friendship ends, the money runs out, the dream's too big, the adoption drags on? Nothing happens, because nothing can separate us from the Love of our life, our Jesus! Nothing. 

Whew, I needed to hear that! Maybe you did too. Fear is just a bully with little ammunition and no power, because we belong to Jesus.

 

So go face your day, your life, unafraid. And the next time I whimper in fear, remind me fear is just a bully. I'll remind you too!

Packing up and Moving in

I'm dreading packing. You heard me, packing. For close family and friends the word packing has the drama of cereal when associated with my life, because after all it's me we're talking about. But seriously, I'm so tired of putting my stuff in a box, moving it around, and rearranging it in a new living space I could scream.

Thankfully I'm not going far, as opposed to other moves in the last couple of years which took hours, or days, of driving. This time I'm not uprooting my children, relearning a culture, and having to memorize directions to the nearest Walmart, all-over-again.

Nevertheless nothing reminds me, like boxing up my stuff, that this world isn't my home. It's a good reminder to face once in a while. It keeps me humble, dependent, and expectant. All good things on the whole.

The weariness that comes with thinking about the hassle of moving all of this stuff, again, isn't the only soft spot this move brushes up against. There's a tender spot that hesitates in the ongoing process of learning directions and customs and history and names, it whispers "you will never belong".

When you've yearned for community for as long as I have, when you've learned to lean close at the rumor of it's existence, when your heart's beat wildly at the sound of it's coming, only to have it snatched away before it's full grown, you start to protect a tender place in your heart. Just like you protect your grandmother's fragile china as it's loaded on a moving truck.

I'm excited about closing the half hour drive between home and church with this move and putting to rest what was, quite frankly, another painful experiment in biblical community. I'm excited, and, I find, hesitant. Hesitant because the last few months at church have moved me from friendly outsider to in-the-trenches member in this new body. And this coming move will only deepen an intimacy that's been growing. While that's a beautiful thing it also feels vulnerable. Do you know what I'm saying?

It's a strange place to be, believing wholeheartedly in the truth of God's promise and command of a living union for his followers, and yet having rarely seen the church actually live in that reality. Having born the consequences of that paradox quite personally I feel raw at times.

I want to jump in. Yet I hesitate. 

I've learned that when hope is broken another moving van waits on the other side, and I am so way over that. I'm tired of fit pitching and selling out to religion because the radical union Jesus offers is too hard. (I get it, I'm as stubborn, prideful, and selfish as the next person. Having to yield to others out of love for Jesus is humbling work. But I don't see any other way around it, do you?)

I'm bound and determined to pursue intimacy with Jesus' people, it's my birthright, it's a need, it's a command. But if you see me grit my teeth or hesitate, be patient, it may take me a moment to lift my eyes from the memory of burned bridges to the compelling eyes of Jesus urging me to trust. 

So, this month as I put my dishes back into a box, and sort through my things, it will be an act of trust. Trust that this world which never fully satisfies me will give way to a redeemed one, trust that God will establish a lasting unity with my heart and his people in this new place, trust that his faithfulness will never run out, and trust that when I disappoint others, because I will, that I will receive grace.

As my heart is stretched I hold to the truth that this world isn't my home, God's heart and his people are. I'm trusting that by faith he will make my heart rest, living out the hard work of unity, with his family, by his Spirit.

What does God use to remind you that this world isn't your home?

God is building a home. He’s using us all—irrespective of how we got here—in what he is building. He used the apostles and prophets for the foundation. Now he’s using you, fitting you in brick by brick, stone by stone, with Christ Jesus as the cornerstone that holds all the parts together. We see it taking shape day after day—a holy temple built by God, all of us built into it, a temple in which God is quite at home. Ephesians 2:19-22 ish, The Message

Leaving Behind I'm not, Embracing I Am!

It's easy for me to get stuck and recite in my head what I'm not. How about you? Statements like I'm not pretty enough, not organized enough, not thin enough, not successful enough, not patient enough, not good enough taunt me. But today I'm reminded to focus on what I am. Because God has revealed himself to us as I AM and shared his very nature with us, as his people, we too can say "I am"! (Exodus 33)

Maybe, like me, you have gotten stuck on the I'm not's. Instead I invite you, leave that broken record behind, and join me in declaring I am!

God's love has enabled us to say, I am chosen.
His mercy has empowered us to say, I am forgiven.
His Word has taught us to say, I am wise.
His presence has emboldened us to say, I am known.
His power has invited us to shed the robe of victim, and claim I am a conqueror.
His robe of righteousness gives us the right to say, I am beautiful.
His design has taught us to say, I am precious.
His promise has given us reason to say, I am hopeful.
His gifts have taught us to say, I am thankful.
His light has penetrated our hearts to say, I am alive.
His strength gives us confidence to declare, I am safe.
His Spirit allows us to say, I am equipped.
His invitation to serve with him allows us to say, I am valued.
His Son's blood has allowed us to say, I am worthy!

So today let's stand on his faithfulness and declare I am! No doubt you can add to the list of I am's based on God's word and your experience. Go ahead, in the comments below add a few to the list! And if you found this list encouraging why not send it to a friend!

Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. Romans 3:1-2

A Broken Christmas

Not Okay

I'm not okay. I hate wrestling with the pain of life at Christmas time. It's supposed to be a season of beauty and wonder, right? I dreamed about Serbia last night. It left a gnawing ache in my heart.

So many things in my life I can't heal, I can't help. I can't heal my own wounds of painful and disappointing years in ministry. I can't heal my Mom's cancer. I have so little strength to help the disabled of Serbia, whom I've come to love.

Instead of boisterous and strong this Christmas I feel sad, weak, vulnerable. I keep shoving those feelings down, I'd rather pretend I'm okay. But I'm not.

If you've read my blog you'll know that I asked God to show me his presence this Christmas season. I suppose I had expected something mysterious and beautiful. Instead, I feel broken. I didn't expect him to take me to a place of vulnerability, dependence, need; but he has.

Instead of fighting it, I'm working on embracing this hard place. It's my gift to Jesus this Christmas, acceptance and trust. I choose to let him into the broken places.

Not Okay Is Why He Came

In my weakness I'm reminded that Jesus did the same for us. He embraced vulnerability, dependence, and ultimately brokenness for our good. What kind of a God would step into our messiness? I'm thankful for his presence in a whole new way this Christmas season. 

I wonder how often I've overlooked other people's pain at the holidays. It's inconvenient and messy to step into broken lives. 

But Jesus has set the example and I'm trusting him to lead the way. Painful days are exactly why God wrapped himself in flesh and came to be with us! If you're hurting join me in inviting God into your painful days. If you are in a strong place look for those around you who are hurting this Christmas to show compassion and love to.

The Word became flesh and blood,

and moved into the neighborhood.

We saw the glory with our own eyes,

the one-of-a-kind glory,

like Father, like Son,

Generous inside and out,

true from start to finish.

John 1:14

I'm resting on the generosity of the God-Man who moved into our messy world, who showed up to save, I hope you are too!

Steps

Steps up Petravaradin Fortress

Last week I wrestled between God's leading and my dreaming as I worked out a response, a vision, to the needs of Dom Veternik's institutionalized. He brought me to a place of quiet and trust, of waiting, that I thought could last for days, even weeks. Unexpectedly, I love how he surprises us, that time of quiet lasted much shorter than I thought. 

I'm catching a new vision, a new excitement, as God continues to soften my heart to people he loves. Beautifully he used a blog friend to confirm and solidify his plans. I never could have envisioned it but I'm so thankful how one step leads to another. All I have to do is take each step before me, in his power and grace. Sounds simple, feels like a mountain some days. 

This weekend I took a step that may appear small but felt monumental, and was accompanied by that momentary tremor of fear. But it's what's before me, the next step. I submitted a request of name for a non-profit organization. The name has been reserved by Alabama's State Department and I have 120 days to file paperwork to form a non-profit corporation. I had just enough money left from what was given for the trip to apply for the name. So I used it as a seed.

That's one of those moments that grab you by the heart and squeezes your insides. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do a happy dance or grab my head and panic. What have I done? I believe I've listened and trusted and risked. I'm expecting that the God who has given the love for the task will also give the power.

There is a lot to do. I'm trusting God will continue to call people into his love for Serbia as partners. Whether it's in giving or going or praying. I trust God will continue to raise people up to be a part of the ministry's board, he's already started putting together a team! I trust God will continue to supply the resources. Most importantly I trust God will cause our obedience to bear fruit, that people will come to know his mercy and his name will be made famous in Serbia.

If you feel drawn to be a part of the work God is doing in Serbia contact me and we can see what that looks like. I hope in the near future to send out an email and launch a website to keep you better informed and to spread the word to get others involved. Stay tuned for those exciting developments and of course for the unveiling of our new name!

In the meantime would you continue to pray?
Pray for God's continued leading and provision.
Pray for the seed of love that was planted at Dom Veternik to take root and draw people to Jesus.
Pray for the local church in Novi Sad to continue to grow in love and size.

Thank you friends for your continued support and interest. I'm thankful for the encouragement you provide and your hearts that celebrate with me the spread of God's glorious mercy!

Blue Eyed Boy

His blonde hair had been stroked by a mother, once. That was before the virus had come and stripped his body of it's memory. After the meningitis had had it's way with his brain it then stripped him of what was left; relationship, hope, a future.

The burden of his care had reduced him to the status of orphan. I wonder if his mother cried when he was taken to the institution. Did she go with him and watch as he was placed into the white metal crib that is now the extent of his world? I hope she didn't.

His innocent blue eyes still hold hope, lighting up whenever anyone gets close enough to notice. Little hands reach out through bars, grasping, looking for what's been lost.

He had five healthy years before the sentence fell. His body is still flexible, able to sit with supportive hands, able to reach. Unlike some of the others on his floor. 

They could tell stories, if they could speak. Once they could move and smile, but slowly, over time, they've turned to wood. Like real boys gone unloved turning back into the block of wood they came from. But this isn't a fairy tale, no good fairy coming to break the spell, just day after day of the same bars.

Of course there is one nurse, Lubitza, meaning violet, maybe she is a bit of a fairy, singing and kissing as she tends to needs. But the hands are so few and the needs so great it's not enough to stem the tide, not enough to make up for what was lost.

Blue eyed boy with the golden smile. I'll hope with you for a while and pray this isn't the end of your story. The saddest thing is, I can't remember his name. It bothers me that I can't.  Just one of hundreds of little lives, all who deserve hearing. I think the least we can do is lean in close and listen.

My husband would say I'm obsessed. I have to confess, he's right. I also have to confess, I don't care. I would rather be obsessed with redemption than anything else I can think of. What else is adoption, seeking out the lonely, praying for restoration, than redemption at a human level?

I'm messy at it, and I'm okay with that too.

How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God! For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance. Hebrews 9:14-15a

Will you join in praying with me for this little one? That God will set him in a family and restore his hope. If you want to know how you can be a part of helping the residents of Dom Veternik please feel free to contact me.

{Update: I returned this summer to the mental institution, Dom Veternik, where blue eyed boy lives. I learned his name is Cedo. He is not available for adoption because his parents still have custody of him. They are unable to care for him due to financial limitations and poor social infrastructure for people with disability.}

The Same

I'm disappointed in the outcome of the election, but I'm not disheartened because a presidential candidate isn't who my faith is in. If I look at man, at life circumstances, at money, or unrest around the globe I could easily become fearful. But God ruled yesterday, he's ruling today, and he will rule tomorrow. It's God that gives freedom, who provides for the earth, who is faithful to his promises. I'm trusting him for my life in America, and I'm trusting him for the fatherless of Serbia. He establishes his plan of mercy and he will accomplish it. Yesterday a wise friend shared this passage with me and it's where I'm resting my gaze today.

Psalm 146

Praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord, my soul.

I will praise the Lord all my life;

    I will sing praise to my God as long as I live. 

Do not put your trust in princes,

    in human beings, who cannot save.

 

When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;

    on that very day their plans come to nothing.

Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob,

    whose hope is in the Lord their God.

He is the Maker of heaven and earth,

    the sea, and everything in them—

    he remains faithful forever.

He upholds the cause of the oppressed

    and gives food to the hungry.

The Lord sets prisoners free,

    the Lord gives sight to the blind,

the Lord lifts up those who are bowed down,

    the Lord loves the righteous. 

The Lord watches over the foreigner

    and sustains the fatherless and the widow,

    but he frustrates the ways of the wicked.

The Lord reigns forever,

    your God, O Zion, for all generations.

Praise the Lord.

Today I will praise him because he is good and is my hope. Won't you join me?

Expressing Faith

The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. Galatians 5:6b

What a beautiful thought. Impossibly hard if we focus on ourselves. Amazingly liberating when we realize it's the life Jesus has invited us in to and equipped us for.

Faith being expressed through love has been on my mind for the last few days. It's what I pray for and am counting on for this coming week. My heart catches as I anticipate what feels like a free fall into grace, exciting and scary, but I have faith it's what God made me for.

My friend Nichole and I leave in three days for Serbia! How is it possible that the dream has become a reality?

On this coming Wednesday evening at 6pm Nichole and I will board a plane headed for Frankfurt, Germany. A couple of hours later we will fly to Belgrade, Serbia. From there we will bus to Novi Sad. If all goes well we will arrive in Novi Sad around dinnertime on Thursday!

Friday morning the real journey begins. We will meet with the staff of Dom Veternik, a mental institution housing both adults and children, and touring the facility. For the six days we're in Serbia we will be spending as much time as possible building friendships, learning about the institution, and interacting with the residents.

On Saturday we will also be connecting with Christians in Novi Sad that God has brought us in contact with, including joining them for church! I'm excited about making friends wherever we can.

As we prepare to go won't you join in praying with us? Here are some tangible things we could use prayer for:

• Our families as we're apart, for their peace and our safety. Calm as we fly for hours (I dislike flying!).
• Good relationships to be built with the staff of the institution and Christians in Novi Sad.
• Our heart's to be in tune with Jesus heart. For us to walk in confident humility, grace, joy, and compassion. For us to have tough stomachs and peace. 
• For Nichole and myself to experience a unity of spirit and purpose.
• For open hearts to hear God's direction during this visit, as well as to determine the next steps he would have us take.

We couldn't and wouldn't want to go alone. We take your encouragement and prayers with us, lifting us up and reminding us of the grace God has called us to! Thank you friends for helping us to express faith through love!

Trusting As I Go

And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:6

As I spend these last few days before our trip to Serbia I find myself in a flurry of activity and emotion. Nichole and I leave in 8 days! I've started a few blog posts but they've gone unfinished. I'm unable to find adequate words to express what I'm feeling and what God is teaching.

I'm distracted and busy, focused on educating children, navigating church life well, and thinking through the details of foreign travel. I wish I could take out my heart and up end it on the page, dumping out it's contents like so much clutter and sort through the mess, like I do when my purse gets too full. But I don't really know where to start.

I wish I could write eloquently about faith and the mind boggling truths I'm learning. The truth of Hebrews that makes me question if chapter 11 is really meant to be a hall of fame or if it's mean to be a pattern for all believers to live by. If faith that clings to promises, stares down kings and lions, recons this life worthless compared to the next, and strikes out in search of God's glory and goodness isn't meant to be the norm instead of the exception.

I want to write about anticipation that is holy and hushed as I get ready for the most awesome journey of my life. But instead I'm a frazzled mama who realizes saying goodbye to dear ones at home is going to be harder than she realized. I'd like to say I feel fearless, ready to strike out boldly, but all of a sudden I remember how much I truly loath flying. I guess going in obedience doesn't have to be pretty and perfect, I just have to go and trust that in the going God will make something beautiful of it all. Honestly I doubt a lesser reason than seeing these broken ones would compel me to fly over the ocean, crammed into a metal tube for hours. Just the thought of it turns my insides squiggly.

I imagine Jesus didn't relish the pain of the cross, Moses didn't always enjoy the tedious leading of a rebellious people, Joseph didn't find pleasure in false accusations. The point is they loved something, someone, more than their own comfort. All be it brokenly and haltingly I'm learning to as well.


I love that Exodus and Hebrews tell us that when Moses had intimate faith to ask to see God's glory, God responded. He responded not by revealing his creative power, or judgement, or holy fire. God revealed his mercy. I'm taking that to heart and as I go I'm asking to see God's glory. Moses' example teaches me to ask for God's glory too, he is always eager to display his mercy and for his children to follow suit and show mercy too.

So I leave in 8 days, trusting in the promises that God's mercy is new every morning, that he gives power to his children to love the brokenhearted, that God draws near to all who seek him. I would love your prayers as I say goodbye at home and set out for the unknown. God has so faithfully provided materially for this trip, now I'm trusting him to provide his very presence for the journey.

What promise of God's do you believe that changes the way you live?

The Key to Blessing ~ Obedience

"This is what the Lord says: Because you have obeyed me and have not withheld even your son, your only son, I swear by my own name that I will certainly bless you. I will multiply your descendants beyond number, like the stars in the sky and the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will conquer the cities of their enemies. And through your descendants all the nations of the earth will be blessed—all because you have obeyed me." Genesis 22:16-18

I read this passage recently and was sobered. I'm afraid so often we take Jesus as an add on in our lives, I've certainly seen it happen in faith communities and on occasion in my own life. But God will have none of that. He's all or nothing. He goes for the heart, he doesn't mess around. 

God demands first place in our affections, our thoughts, our imagination. And he should. Nothing in our life is safe from the altar. But look what happens at obedience. Blessing rained down. And not temporal worldly blessing either, which we are so easily distracted by. No, it's an eternal, sweeping, generational blessing. 

I don't know about you but I want the fruit of my life to multiply "beyond number" I want to conquer the enemy and be a blessing to the nations. All because I've obeyed. 

Do you see the connection here between personal obedience and communal blessing. It's humbling and inspiring. When I obey, God blesses me so that you, my family, my church, my neighbors, Serbia can be blessed. When you obey, God blesses you so that your family, church, and community can be blessed. Amazing!

What would have happened had Abraham turned down God's request of complete faithfulness and obedience? I mean who would have blamed him if he had said, 'you know God when you asked me to leave home I followed, when you asked me to trust you to provide a son I did, I've obeyed you. But now you're taking things too far. We all know killing is wrong and this is my son, so don't even think about it.'

If Abraham had declined to obey, God would have let him. But then we wouldn't consider Abraham the father of the Jewish people or a hero of faith. God would have raised someone else up to bless and be a blessing, he always accomplishes his plan. But Abraham would have missed out.

What about us. Will we decline to obey? Or will we allow obedience to unlock blessing in our own lives and the lives of those around us, even into future generations. I've found the longer I trust Jesus the crazier his requests for obedience seem to become.

How did Abraham obey such an outlandish request from God? How can we? It was by faith that Abraham offered Isaac as a sacrifice when God was testing him. Abraham, who had received God’s promises... reasoned that if Isaac died, God was able to bring him back to life again. And in a sense, Abraham did receive his son back from the dead. (Hebrews 11)

Our obedience rests firmly on the foundation of God's faithfulness to his promises. Do you believe God is faithful, are you willing to find out?

Into The Heart Of A Generous God

$18! Eighteen dollars. I have eighteen dollars for Serbia. Eighteen dollars of blessing, that say yes, that say I believe!

On Tuesday I felt overwhelmed. I was doubting. I wanted to hyperventilate because I'm going to Serbia in October and I need $3,000 to go. I don't have $3,000. I was flinging up prayers to God, reminding him I was standing down here with my back up against the wall, reminding him he called me to go and anytime he was willing I was ready for him to provide. 

On Wednesday God was gently turning my attention away from the looming mountain and back to himself. I read Susie Larson's blog post "How Fear Get's In The Way of Freedom" which was, as usual, timely. Here's my response to her challenge to confidently put fear in it's place:

"Goodness knows I needed to be reminded not to fear! I was freaking out to my husband yesterday. "I thought God called me to Serbia, I have no money, when is he going to send the money!" Of course I know he uses circumstances to maximize our trust and satisfaction in him. Sometimes my heart just forgets. It's not the removal of the obstacle that takes away fear it's the awareness of God's goodness and power to act on our behalf. I was reading about Lazarus' resurrection last night. I was struck that Jesus purposefully allowed loss, a death, in his friend's lives for the greater good of his glory and their salvation. Stunning. I had never really looked at that passage from their vantage point of God's love delayed. It looked like Jesus' indifference had done them harm but of course it was an unexpected path to victory. I forget that my goal isn't really Serbia, my goal is the heart of God. That's where my satisfaction lies! Thank you for the reminder."

I've said before that I'm not afraid of going to Serbia, I'm really more afraid of not going. But fear is fear, and it's wrong. Deep breath. As I wrote that comment on Suzie Larson's blog post a lightning bolt hit and I remembered what I knew in the beginning of this journey. Serbia isn't really the goal, the heart of God is. Who doesn't want a quest, a holy grail, a fair maiden to rescue, a mountain to conquer, (insert cheesy example here), to help them know that life's worth living. But God reminded me Serbia's not my holy grail, HE is. Going to Serbia is about being invited into the heart of God, he is my great adventure. He's lavished me with love and then invited me to join him in lavishing it on others. And one thing I know is that when he calls us to love he also equips us to love.

So on Wednesday night before I went to bed I prayed, "God you multiplied just a few loaves and fishes and fed 5,000, I still need some loaves and fish, would you provide me with the loaves and fish you're going to multiply." My heart was confident and I rested knowing God has invited me into his love and he will provide all I need to join him in expressing it. The next day when Chris came home for lunch he told me to look in my Chip In account. I had been gifted with $18! A dear blog friend had believed and blessed.

I don't know why it wasn't $15 or $20 but rather $18; I'm glad it was! It is my loaves and fishes. A little boy's lunch. I trust that God will multiply that $18 and that it will become enough. I believe; because Serbia's not the point, the heart of God is and his heart is generous!

What path are you on that is taking you deeper into the heart of God?

(If you want to know more about my trip to Serbia and how to get involved go here)

Enough

I wrote this post on Tuesday but Lisa-Jo at The Gypsy Mama prompted us to write about ENOUGH for our Five Minutes this Friday. So I'm linking this post up with her. It's more than five minutes and not written on Friday but it's the best I've got for - Enough:

I am not enough. Not strong enough, smart, pretty, kind, or good enough. I am not enough to avoid disappointing you. I am not enough to please you. I am not enough to raise my kids or accomplish my dreams. I am not enough to satisfy my husband.

And it feels good to say so.

I'm thankful to admit it. The expectation of being enough is like shackles dragging as I shuffle through my days when I try to carry that heavy burden. I turn on everything around me, pugnacious and resentful. Wishing I could fool you and myself into believing I am what I'm not. Working to hide what I don't want anyone to see. Hiding that I'm not enough.

But it's better to beat life to the punch. I choose to lay down the mask. Stop the charade. Confess before I can be accused. I am not enough. It's what scares me every day, when I let it. What if. 

What if I'm not enough to go to Serbia, what if I'm not enough to publish a book. What if I'm not enough to homeschool my kids. What if I'm not enough to be a good neighbor, friend, wife. What if my worship isn't enough. What if I'm not enough.

What if I'm not enough to please God. Isn't that what I'm really saying? And of course I'm not enough which is the point of Jesus' holy life offered in exchange for my broken one. "Jesus said, “It is finished.” With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit," John 19:30. I have absolutely nothing I can add to that statement or that precious final payment.

All that's left for me now is to put on the righteousness of Jesus like a garment that covers up my not enoughness. And then live in it. I may not be enough but he certainly is. Galatians 2:20, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

I am not enough. Really. Are you? Are you tired of trying to be enough? Then slip on the righteousness of Jesus offered freely for you, you'll have to let go of all of yourself to take hold of it, but really it's worth it.

Singed

Sometimes I twist and turn in my skin, like a baby fighting to be born, I shove my head out into the icy air of faith and gulp.

The terror that stalks me is to have lived a life that didn't matter. Too safe, too soft, too boring. An innocuous existence without power. Will words leave my lips, drip from my fingers, into oblivion? Or will they, like blood, pump through the hearts of lovers who have heard and listened? Will their alphabet be infused by power from the One true Word?

Will passion flame up only to flicker and die out unspent, never having warmed another heart? Will good intentions become crusted over regrets, ugly like a scab?

This following God thing isn't easy. My ears twitch and pick up every discordant sound. The tv hawking it's pleasures, my body fighting death, opinions casting doubt. Through it all the voice that's sweeter, and never silent, sings His song.

I'm still praying for my neighbors to come to Jesus but that first excitement of witnessing truth into their lives has turned into the heavy plod of everyday love. Church life with all of it's complexities and baggage of real life people grinds on. I will always love my Savior's bride, but I wonder if I will ever get over the sorrow that she acts more like a toddler pitching a fit than a gracious young woman destined for greatness.

And Serbia, oh Serbia. She haunts me and I can't get her out of my mind. News of her is like the heart jump of a father, pacing the delivery room, waiting for the birth of a child. Why do I love Serbia? I can't fully know. One day I asked God to give me a love for the things he loves, I can only imagine such an obsession was born from that prayer, I could never dream such craziness up on my own.

Behind the scenes God is working and I'm listening. I received the name and contact information of an institution in Serbia with children needing love. I also heard good news, the most notorious institution in Serbia is moving children out of it's old buildings, only immobile people over 18 will remain. But they remain. Even though I've seen their names, and feel the river sweeping me along, at moments I still pause.

Have I heard right? Where will the money come from? Am I really needed? Why a task so large? Yet I'm so hungry for touching the greatness of God. I want to know his power can overshadow a need I can't meet on my own. I want to smell the smoke of His presence as it singes away selfishness and leaves holy love.

I remind myself I'm in good company. Moses stood at a bush that burned with holy fire, God's very presence, and stammered a whiny excuse. Good intentions melted in the heat of reality. But he obeyed and God provided. On the long dessert journey, with sand in his beard and a troublesome people trailing behind him, he became the friend of God.

The Lord would speak to Moses face to face, as one speaks to a friend...Then the Lord came down in the cloud and stood there with him and proclaimed his name, the Lord. And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.” Moses bowed to the ground at once and worshiped. “Lord,” he said, “if I have found favor in your eyes, then let the Lord go with us. Although this is a stiff-necked people, forgive our wickedness and our sin, and take us as your inheritance.” Exodus 33:11 and 34:5-9

The God who loved Moses loves me. Certainly the circumstances are different, the need pales in comparison, but the love is identical. I pray on my journey that I become the friend of God, I'm certainly his child, but I want to become his friend.

What about you? Have you been singed?

Five Minute Friday: Opportunity

How is it Friday already? I have no idea, but it is and it's time to link up with Lisa Jo and her Five Minute Friday gang. Today we're talking about, Opportunity:

Go:

Sometimes it feels like an interruption, the appearance of two straggly neighbor children, but it's really an opportunity. The house turned upside down and little mouths speaking like hardened cynics, or worse, but Jesus whispers "love them."

My garden is a gangly mess at times, a fight with worms to reclaim what's rightfully mine, a time consuming chore. But the fruit is a chance to give away love and draw curious children in for a conversation and it still teaches me. An opportunity hides in it's tangled vines.

A whole country looms far away and it beckons louder each week. A chance for terror turns into an opportunity for trust. A missional call illuminates the opportunity to footprint walk, follow Jesus more closely than before.

Each time life unfolds I have a choice, push away or embrace.  

Stop

What are the things that annoy or frighten you? I know in my day I have plenty of things I see as a distraction or discouragement. In Jesus' hands anything can be turned into a burning bush, if we give him access. It's not my nature to see the opportunity tucked inside a looming obstacle, but I've seen Jesus turn even the most challenging circumstances into opportunities to praise him, and I'm beginning live differently.

"Be very careful, then, how you live —not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is." Ephesians 5:15-17

Baby Steps

There are times in our lives when the love of God collides with the reality of our lives and grabs us by the heart, or at least there should be. A few months ago I began praying a prayer that God has answered in a surprising way. As Chris and I began our new ministry I asked, "God show me your heart. Purify my desires and make me love what you love." His response has been like a tidal wave. I'm being washed pure and I'm learning that what I thought I knew about God, me, and life was just barely the tip of the ice burg.

If you've been following this blog or have had any conversations with me lately you know I've been grappling with God's heart for the fatherless and broken, particularly Serbian orphans. I wrote about it as my heart began awakening to God's voice calling me to respond to that brokenness and pondered what he would have me do. I prayed, I cried, I researched, I talked and the truth became clearer as I listened. What began as a whisper has become a full piece orchestra.

I knew it in my bones. I had to go. Love is compelling me and I can't turn away. On Friday I spoke to the Christian and Missionary Alliance's short term missions office, Envision, about my desire to care for disabled orphans in Serbia. The response was incredibly positive and encouraging, the director heard God's heart and was moved as well. The Envision ministry has never been in this area of the world and doesn't have a program like this in place so we're starting from the ground up.

The first step is evaluating the situation in person. The director will make some contacts and do a little research to find out who would be willing to go with me to visit the orphanages. I should hear back in the next couple of weeks and hopefully we will plan an evaluation trip from there.

I'm excited and prayerful. This is just the first step of a long and difficult journey, a journey that will take me into the heart of dependency on Jesus like I've never known. My hands are aching to stroke human suffering with borrowed love, love that comes from the Father's heart and is not my own. I know too that once I've stepped into a river of grace, reaching out to broken hearts, there's no turning back.

You, my friends, have been such a source of encouragement as I have searched out God's path! Your response has been gracious and your prayers a gift. Thank you! As I baby step past the dreaming stage into doing may I request your continued prayer support? I would so appreciate you joining me in asking God to form the right team to travel to Serbia to evaluate the situation. That God would open doors so that we would have access to the most needy children. That the directors and staff of these orphanages would be open to our offers of help and the love we long to show to the children and staff alike. That government officials would be willing to have us participate in the care of their orphans and would be receptive to the love of Jesus as well. That all of this would happen in a timely manner and that I would patiently trust God to accomplish more than I can even imagine to glorify his name.

Thank you friends! I will keep you posted as God unfolds his plans. I'd love to hear from you. Have you prayed by faith for more of God, for a glimpse into the holy flame of God's heart? If so, how has he responded?

Five Minute Friday: Trust

I'm linking up with Lisa-Jo again for Five Minute Friday. The prompt today, so appropriate for me, is: Trust.

Go:

There must have been a moment Abraham hesitated. The years of trusting, and faltering, the moment of laughter, the birth of a promise held and treasured in grizzled arms.

Now the contradiction. Sacrifice his only son, heir to a nation, joy of his heart? But that is what God had asked. And Abraham obeyed, the very next morning.

There's a place on a mountain in Moriah that remembers the father and son, a knife, an alter, and a ram. A place of supreme trust and obedience, because the two always go hand in hand. A forgotten spot that saw Jehovah Jireh provide.

A whisper of the moment the Father would provide a Lamb for all sons. He wouldn't spare his own.

Stop.

The only place in the Bible the name Jehovah Jireh is recorded, is right here on God's mountain of salvation (Genesis 22). God was showing us all that he could be trusted to provide salvation. Everything else we can possibly need is secondary.

How is God asking you to trust him? I shared yesterday where I'm growing in trust. If God has provided his own dear Son for us, won't he also provide everything else we need. Let's step out and trust him together!

Hope

It's a little scary when God begins to do a new thing. That's where I find myself at the moment, scared of what he may ask, afraid of my own weakness. But there's also hope. The burden for orphaned children in Eastern Europe is not one that God has given Chris, which is okay because God has given Chris his own burdens and tasks, he's given it to me. I pray, and believe, that one day we will adopt. But I've begun asking myself lately if perhaps there's more. What if God has more in mind? What if instead, I'm supposed to go to them? The living conditions of "orphans" and disabled adults in Serbia is appalling. Sadly only a very tiny percent of them are available for adoption. Many will live out their lives confined to a crib in orphanages more like prisons than homes. What if instead of working to bring them here I go there? What if?

How? I ask myself how in the world is an average mommy, who's afraid of flying and loves her comfort, able to make a difference? How does God use people as ordinary as me? The answer is in learning to trust it's God's heart for the broken that moves people to action, it's God's goodness that provides resources, it's God's power that enables small people to join in his big jobs. So I'm straining to hear his voice. Is it calling me? Am I understanding what he's saying? 

In obedience and trust I know I will find the answer. I'm learning God doesn't ask me to overcome obstacles on my own. He's just asking me to obey. One step at a time, following him. He knows the need, he knows the plan. I'm also counting on the obedience of others in the long run, on God moving hearts to action, because together we can be the hands and feet of Jesus, the whole body moving as one. I'd rather plug my ears and say, "I can't hear you". But I've learned that to disobey silences God's voice quicker than anything and I don't want to live like that. So I'm committing to obey, whatever that looks like.

Prayer is the first and most important work of the church. No activity should begin without it. So, the work I'm engaged in for orphans at the moment is prayer. I chose to look full faced into their pain and suffering, to gently speak their unknown names to Jesus, remind him of his little ones, and grieve. Asking on their behalf. I'm praying for Godless countries to be open to Christians caring for the needs of their broken and outcast. Praying for leader's hearts to turn to God in need, for help and forgiveness. Praying for the church to rise up from our comfort and search out the desperate, choosing to love like Jesus even when it costs. I'm praying bold prayers, tearful prayers, constant prayers. I'm starting to think I even pray in my sleep, haunted by hungry little faces needing to hear just once that Jesus loves the little children and has a place for them in his kingdom.

As I pray I'm expecting that God will answer. I'm expecting my heart to change from a hard stone to a beating reflection of God's love. Praying scripture is the best way I know to line my heart up with the Father's. Prayer for believers to be united in the common purpose of love joins my words with God's will (John 14). Prayer for the rescue of the oppressed (Psalm 10), prayer for God's glory to be displayed to the nations (Psalm 102), prayer for my heart to love mercy (Micah 6), all can be found in his word. As I pray I expect him to answer. If I ask but don't believe I've already called God a liar; I'm expecting.

I ask myself questions a lot lately. What if hedging my bets and saving for the future isn't God's best? What if every resource is meant to be spent in love for others, for God's glory? After all, everything I have comes from him anyway. Am I writing a legacy of faith and love for my children with my life and not just my words? Does my life show that I believe God's word, that the last shall be first, the least is really the greatest? Big questions. But I have hope, because God has always been faithful, because he's more generous than I can imagine, because his love is compelling and I want more. What if the best way to be filled up with incomprehensible love is to pour out the love we've already received?

I'm asking myself if I'm willing to touch absolute brokenness with my own hands for Jesus' sake? Today let's ask God how he want's to use us, to help us obey, to give us a burden for prayer, to increase our expectation in his faithfulness!

{If you would like to see a brief video of the conditions in Serbian institutions that have compelled me to ask these questions you can watch here. It is an edited version of a much more detailed documentary by Ann Curry. WARNING: This is a graphic video with disturbing images. I wasn't able to bring myself to see it for weeks.}

Five Minute Friday: Growing

I so enjoy linking up with Lisa-Jo for Five Minute Friday's. Her writing prompts make me think and the freedom of free flowing words is a joy. Why don' you hop over and give it a try. Today's prompt: Growing.

Go:

Little toes squeeze into snug little shoes. Ankles poke beneath jeans too short. Baby giggles replaced by young boy whoops. And little girl grins exchanged for big girl twirls. They're growing up, racing to be like me.

And yet as I watch innocent faith, breathed in a prayer, I wonder. Hearts stirred by wide eyed hope, grasping truth I still question. I'm moved at Maggie's confident proclamation, finger pointing, "Jesus right here in my heart!" How does a three year old know that?

A little boy so tender it squeezes my heart, I want a pair of eyes like his, superhuman to see things unseen. They are growing up, lightning fast, becoming like me.

Yet I find I am growing on the inside to become more like them. Childlike wonder, innocent faith, trust in a Parent I know but can't see. As they grow up to be like me, oh how I want to grow to be more like them. 

But Jesus said, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.” Matthew 19:14

Max's first view of the ocean, unbridled wonder!

Stop 

How about you? Is your faith of the childlike variety? Full of confident trust, gape mouthed awe, full throttle hope, arms wide worship? I find wisdom of my own making and a stiff put on maturity too often is my enemy. Oh but I'm longing to be cured!

Word Filled Wednesday ~ Lessons from a Rosebud

Matthew 6:28-30, "And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?"

Rosebud wrapped in cottonwood fluff

The light caught so beautifully on the sparkling threads wrapped around the rose petals. I couldn't help but remember the passage from Matthew that promises God's detailed attention to our lives, above even the delicate care he provides his creation. Wrapped in her gossamer cloak this little bud nudged me to live with actions that speak of a grace soaked life.

Have you been challenged recently by creation to be mindful of God's love?