A Broken Christmas

Not Okay

I'm not okay. I hate wrestling with the pain of life at Christmas time. It's supposed to be a season of beauty and wonder, right? I dreamed about Serbia last night. It left a gnawing ache in my heart.

So many things in my life I can't heal, I can't help. I can't heal my own wounds of painful and disappointing years in ministry. I can't heal my Mom's cancer. I have so little strength to help the disabled of Serbia, whom I've come to love.

Instead of boisterous and strong this Christmas I feel sad, weak, vulnerable. I keep shoving those feelings down, I'd rather pretend I'm okay. But I'm not.

If you've read my blog you'll know that I asked God to show me his presence this Christmas season. I suppose I had expected something mysterious and beautiful. Instead, I feel broken. I didn't expect him to take me to a place of vulnerability, dependence, need; but he has.

Instead of fighting it, I'm working on embracing this hard place. It's my gift to Jesus this Christmas, acceptance and trust. I choose to let him into the broken places.

Not Okay Is Why He Came

In my weakness I'm reminded that Jesus did the same for us. He embraced vulnerability, dependence, and ultimately brokenness for our good. What kind of a God would step into our messiness? I'm thankful for his presence in a whole new way this Christmas season. 

I wonder how often I've overlooked other people's pain at the holidays. It's inconvenient and messy to step into broken lives. 

But Jesus has set the example and I'm trusting him to lead the way. Painful days are exactly why God wrapped himself in flesh and came to be with us! If you're hurting join me in inviting God into your painful days. If you are in a strong place look for those around you who are hurting this Christmas to show compassion and love to.

The Word became flesh and blood,

and moved into the neighborhood.

We saw the glory with our own eyes,

the one-of-a-kind glory,

like Father, like Son,

Generous inside and out,

true from start to finish.

John 1:14

I'm resting on the generosity of the God-Man who moved into our messy world, who showed up to save, I hope you are too!

Learn the Rhythm

Push and pull, push and pull, back and forth, back and forth. The tide sucked at my feet and buried my toes as I stood at the edge of the shore with my children. The waves were strong. My footing had to be adjusted with each  pull and each push of the waves.

As I felt the rhythm pounding around me, beneath me, on me I wondered, how do I respond to the motion of life. The push and pull is constant. I wonder if I appropriately adjust my balance, leaning into the pull, stepping back with the push? Or do I respond as I always have, plowing through, headless of the changing tide?

Sometimes I go full throttle, riding with the forward motion and fighting the backward pull with all my might. I end up tired and worn out. Equally as frustrating, I pull back not knowing when to ride the fresh current, instead remaining withdrawn, missing the swell of adventure. Fighting the rhythm.

Retreat and advance, stillness and action, both are necessary in life. But I wonder if I've slowed to listen, dipping my toes in the water, long enough to learn the rhythm. God has given us clues. Our bodies, the seasons, night and day, his word, the Holy Spirit, our communities, all give us cues as to a healthy rhythm for our lives. 

The tide of life is a reality we can't afford to ignore. Loss and gain, work and rest, joy and sorrow, plenty and want, old and new, come and go, they are our teachers if we will listen, yielding ourselves to their pull. If we fight this ebb and flow of life we will end up weary, worn out from thrashing against waves that never relent. The Holy Spirit, through times of reflection and prayer, will lead us through the waves. God's word shows us how to respond. Are we listening? 

Watching my children play delightedly in the surf, their bodies rocking with the motion, I know there is joy in yielding to the tide. What waves are you fighting in your life at the moment? How can you adjust your balance to face the push and pull of your life?

In The Quiet

For some quirky reason my computer decided to connect to the internet tonight so I thought I'd hop on and take advantage. My plan for now is still a low profile. God is gripping my heart and I'm not willing to shake free of the quiet.

I've enjoyed the benefits of less online time and more time connecting with God's heart and my family. I'm amazed to say it, but I'm falling in love with my kids all over again. Not that I ever stopped loving them, I just find that my love is growing and developing knew facets of beauty. Perhaps it's due to praying for them more regularly.

I'm also spending more time on my novel, and I'm falling in love with it as well. How odd that I'm learning from the characters. Characters that I supposedly made up! But I am.

And what a treat, recently, to enjoy spending time here. As Max said, the waves remind us that God is mighty!

More regular and trustworthy than the waves is God's faithfulness, beating it's rhythm upon our hearts, and I'm so thankful!

I would love to known, in the quiet what does God whisper to your heart? What is he teaching you?