Trust is worship

This post is long overdue, but I suppose better late than never. Some of you know about the physical challenges I've been experiencing for the last two and a half months, for others this will be news to you. I've been waiting for the right time to write about what I've experienced but I don't know that there ever is a right or good time. Regardless, I feel ready now.

My body started betraying me in August, although there were signs earlier had I known what to look for. At first it was the feeling that something wasn't quite right. I was tired, couldn't remember things as well, but I'm a mom since when haven't I been tired. By the second week of August intense dizziness and tingling in my hand began. I was feeling old and worn out. I experienced a tired I couldn't push through. The dizziness at times was so extreme that I just wanted to lie on the floor to make the room stop moving. But you can't always lie on the floor in the middle of church. Sometimes it made me nauseous. The odd tingling and sensory changes were disturbing. My left hand was affected most. My finger tips would feel like they'd gone to sleep and then my whole hand. I dropped things a lot. Sometimes it felt like little bugs crawling along my scalp or in my calves. The severe dizziness gave way to the feeling of occasional lightheadedness or off balance. The sensory change became permanent in my left hand. I felt like I was in a fog and had a hard time remembering things or following directions. Then the really scary symptoms set in. My legs became so weak, sore and hard to use I had a hard time walking. Some days I could hardly lift my feet and couldn't feel the bottoms of them. It didn't feel like my legs were my own anymore. I had been walking 2 to 4 miles several times a week, and loved it. By the end of August I could barely walk a few blocks. Some days I struggled to get out of bed.

I had an appointment with a neurologist at the end of September. I was suspecting MS. He felt there was reason to look for MS given my symptoms and ordered two MRIs and some blood work. I had an appointment with him this past week to discuss the findings of the tests. There was no sign of MS in the MRIs and the blood work indicated slightly elevated B6 levels in my body. Toxic levels of vitamin B6 cause nerve damage and some of the symptoms are very similar to MS. When I initially heard from his office, a few weeks before my follow up appointment, that my MRI's were negative for signs of MS and my B6 levels were elevated I was relieved and believed it was an easy answer. I have even seen improvement in some of my symptoms since I stopped taking supplements. However, when I talked to the neurologist this week it doesn't appear to be the easy answer I thought. My B6 levels were 26, the upper limit is 21, he considered this only slightly elevated. He said he would expect to see higher levels in someone who is struggling to walk and had the symptoms I was showing and has seen levels as high as 70. So, he believes the B6 certainly caused some symptoms but is only a piece of the puzzle, not the answer. Although I didn't show signs of MS in the MRIs he's not completely ready to rule out MS and may yet do a spinal tap to check for signs in my spinal fluid. He also wants to test for other auto immune diseases. So, while I'm not at square one I'm not much past it either.

At times I feel anxious and ready to know what I'm facing. Who is this silent foe? I want to know if my life is going to change permanently or is it something with an easy cure. I'm ready to know. There are still so many unanswered questions. As far as the 'why me' question though, it doesn't exist. God has so graciously prepared my heart for this journey. I have told God all along, and still do, that however he wants to use my body to bring himself glory I'm for it. I recently finished re-reading my favorite book, "Hinds Feet on High Places". What a reminder of the beautiful work suffering produces in our lives when we yield to his purposes and plan. I know that there is work to be done in my heart, my marriage, my family and hopefully in my church if I yield to God's plan of suffering. Not to mention the obvious truth that my life is no longer my own since I've participated in Jesus death and resurrection. Or that God is God and I'm not, if he's trustworthy I don't even want to question what comes from his hand, I trust it. In the midst of the uncertainty and discomfort I'm learning to offer up the sacrifice of worship. Worshiping in the darkness is an act of trust and I believe there is no greater way to worship than trust. I can already see the Holy Spirit using my health to prune and refine me. My heart's desire is to bare my heart to that work with abandon. I'm learning that my health really isn't the point, God's glory is. He has invited us to participate in bringing him glory and he will use any means possible to do that. He's been teaching me these truths for the last couple of years and now I feel like I'm putting them to the test, it's exciting!

I'll keep you updated on the news I receive about my health, as well as what God is teaching me. I know you understand that in my situation it's not uncommon to get tons of advice on my health. As much as I know the advice is well meant it can be overwhelming to receive regularly from many different sources. However, your encouragement and prayers for endurance are most welcome!

Bang Clang!

Maggie got into my pot lids today and had fun making some noise!

Cranberry Almond Granola

Cranberry Almond Granola

I've been in a baking mood lately, which is not typical for me. I've made banana bread, apple bread and this granola. I thought it turned out pretty good, so I thought I'd share the recipe.

Ingredients:
3 cups rolled oats
1 cup oat bran
1/4 cup ground flax seed
1/4 cup wheat germ
1 cup raw whole almonds
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup honey
1/4 cup dark brown sugar (I used light, it's what I had)
1 tsp vanilla
3 Tbs canola oil
1/4 cup water
3/4 cup cranberries (I used a little more)

Preheat oven to 300. Whisk together oats, oat bran, flax seed, wheat germ, almonds and salt. Set aside. In a medium saucepan bring honey, brown sugar, vanilla, canola oil, and water just to a bubble over medium low heat. Pour honey mixture over oat mixture, toss until oats are moist. Spread onto 2 rimmed 11x17 baking sheets. (I should have sprayed mine with non-stick spray) Bake at 300 for 20 minutes stirring twice. I added the cranberries after the last stir for the last 7 minutes of baking. Cool completely, store in sealed container up to 2 weeks or freeze.

Messy Maggie

Maggie loves feeding herself and typically does a really good job, yogurt's tricky! She is a delight and growing so fast. Now that Max is in school I'm enjoying time with my girl, it's been special spending time just the two of us.

Nana

Here are a few pictures from my mom's visit this fall. We experienced a lot of things together and I'm glad she was able to be a part of our lives for a few weeks!

Big Decision

This week I made the most difficult parenting decision I've had to make so far. I started homeschooling Max this fall. The main reason was for the purpose of training him and developing his character according to the biblical values our family embraces and protecting him from the influence of the world as he grows stronger in his understanding of truth. Also maybe a little because I wasn't ready to let go of the sweet times together. However, over the last few weeks I've sensed something lacking. Max wasn't thriving like I felt he should, he was lonely and bored. Our circumstance; a small apartment, lack of friends his age and some health issues I'm dealing with, were just making it difficult to meet an energetic five year old's needs. So, we made the decision to put Max in school. I still value homeschool and hope that one day God will lead us back to the opportunity to homeschool our children. However, right now I know God is asking me to lay down what I want for me for what is best for Max. I have seen God's hand in this decision, the ground work he laid, the peace he's given me and I have no doubts. I know that this is another opportunity for me to trust, boldly.

Max's first day was Monday. My mom and I took Max to school and met his teacher, another blessing that mom could be here for that. We were pleased with his classroom and teacher and feel like he will thrive in his new environment. So far Max is really enjoying his school experience!

Max on his first day of school with a pumpkin for his teacher.

Max and Nana going to his new school

Glenn Livingston Elementary School

Motherhood

Life is constantly changing, there are very few things that seem truly eternal. At this moment though, motherhood is one of those things. Will my toddler always scream for what she wants? How many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches can one person make in a lifetime? I'm pretty sure that at some point the incessant chatter of a kindergartner will in fact cause my ears to fall slap off my head. Some days my world feels defined by four walls, small two bedroom apartment walls. It's sad when you actually put jewelry on to go to story hour at the library because that constitutes 'going out'. Motherhood is a confining time in life, especially for the stay at home mom. You constantly work around nap time, food likes and dislikes, bed time, potty accessibility, little attention spans. It's easy to feel left behind by husbands and friends, someone's gotta stay home with little sleepy heads.
Even so, I know that just as in every area of life, motherhood offers the opportunity to practice holiness. I pretty much blew that opportunity today. I didn't treat Max with the compassion and patience he deserves as a fellow child of God. Sad. I missed moments to cherish those dirty, noisy little treasures. Motherhood is the perfect chance to die to self, but self doesn't willingly lie down and die, at least my self doesn't. In the midst of limits and confinements I'm reminded of Philippians 2:5-8 "You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross." Talk about limits! All powerful God chose to limit himself to a small planet, in a small body, to die, for me. When I look at things that way I realize what a privilege it is to 'limit' myself so that I can better serve needy little people. He showed me the way, he provides the power, I need only to obey.