Hope

It's a little scary when God begins to do a new thing. That's where I find myself at the moment, scared of what he may ask, afraid of my own weakness. But there's also hope. The burden for orphaned children in Eastern Europe is not one that God has given Chris, which is okay because God has given Chris his own burdens and tasks, he's given it to me. I pray, and believe, that one day we will adopt. But I've begun asking myself lately if perhaps there's more. What if God has more in mind? What if instead, I'm supposed to go to them? The living conditions of "orphans" and disabled adults in Serbia is appalling. Sadly only a very tiny percent of them are available for adoption. Many will live out their lives confined to a crib in orphanages more like prisons than homes. What if instead of working to bring them here I go there? What if?

How? I ask myself how in the world is an average mommy, who's afraid of flying and loves her comfort, able to make a difference? How does God use people as ordinary as me? The answer is in learning to trust it's God's heart for the broken that moves people to action, it's God's goodness that provides resources, it's God's power that enables small people to join in his big jobs. So I'm straining to hear his voice. Is it calling me? Am I understanding what he's saying? 

In obedience and trust I know I will find the answer. I'm learning God doesn't ask me to overcome obstacles on my own. He's just asking me to obey. One step at a time, following him. He knows the need, he knows the plan. I'm also counting on the obedience of others in the long run, on God moving hearts to action, because together we can be the hands and feet of Jesus, the whole body moving as one. I'd rather plug my ears and say, "I can't hear you". But I've learned that to disobey silences God's voice quicker than anything and I don't want to live like that. So I'm committing to obey, whatever that looks like.

Prayer is the first and most important work of the church. No activity should begin without it. So, the work I'm engaged in for orphans at the moment is prayer. I chose to look full faced into their pain and suffering, to gently speak their unknown names to Jesus, remind him of his little ones, and grieve. Asking on their behalf. I'm praying for Godless countries to be open to Christians caring for the needs of their broken and outcast. Praying for leader's hearts to turn to God in need, for help and forgiveness. Praying for the church to rise up from our comfort and search out the desperate, choosing to love like Jesus even when it costs. I'm praying bold prayers, tearful prayers, constant prayers. I'm starting to think I even pray in my sleep, haunted by hungry little faces needing to hear just once that Jesus loves the little children and has a place for them in his kingdom.

As I pray I'm expecting that God will answer. I'm expecting my heart to change from a hard stone to a beating reflection of God's love. Praying scripture is the best way I know to line my heart up with the Father's. Prayer for believers to be united in the common purpose of love joins my words with God's will (John 14). Prayer for the rescue of the oppressed (Psalm 10), prayer for God's glory to be displayed to the nations (Psalm 102), prayer for my heart to love mercy (Micah 6), all can be found in his word. As I pray I expect him to answer. If I ask but don't believe I've already called God a liar; I'm expecting.

I ask myself questions a lot lately. What if hedging my bets and saving for the future isn't God's best? What if every resource is meant to be spent in love for others, for God's glory? After all, everything I have comes from him anyway. Am I writing a legacy of faith and love for my children with my life and not just my words? Does my life show that I believe God's word, that the last shall be first, the least is really the greatest? Big questions. But I have hope, because God has always been faithful, because he's more generous than I can imagine, because his love is compelling and I want more. What if the best way to be filled up with incomprehensible love is to pour out the love we've already received?

I'm asking myself if I'm willing to touch absolute brokenness with my own hands for Jesus' sake? Today let's ask God how he want's to use us, to help us obey, to give us a burden for prayer, to increase our expectation in his faithfulness!

{If you would like to see a brief video of the conditions in Serbian institutions that have compelled me to ask these questions you can watch here. It is an edited version of a much more detailed documentary by Ann Curry. WARNING: This is a graphic video with disturbing images. I wasn't able to bring myself to see it for weeks.}