Enough

I wrote this post on Tuesday but Lisa-Jo at The Gypsy Mama prompted us to write about ENOUGH for our Five Minutes this Friday. So I'm linking this post up with her. It's more than five minutes and not written on Friday but it's the best I've got for - Enough:

I am not enough. Not strong enough, smart, pretty, kind, or good enough. I am not enough to avoid disappointing you. I am not enough to please you. I am not enough to raise my kids or accomplish my dreams. I am not enough to satisfy my husband.

And it feels good to say so.

I'm thankful to admit it. The expectation of being enough is like shackles dragging as I shuffle through my days when I try to carry that heavy burden. I turn on everything around me, pugnacious and resentful. Wishing I could fool you and myself into believing I am what I'm not. Working to hide what I don't want anyone to see. Hiding that I'm not enough.

But it's better to beat life to the punch. I choose to lay down the mask. Stop the charade. Confess before I can be accused. I am not enough. It's what scares me every day, when I let it. What if. 

What if I'm not enough to go to Serbia, what if I'm not enough to publish a book. What if I'm not enough to homeschool my kids. What if I'm not enough to be a good neighbor, friend, wife. What if my worship isn't enough. What if I'm not enough.

What if I'm not enough to please God. Isn't that what I'm really saying? And of course I'm not enough which is the point of Jesus' holy life offered in exchange for my broken one. "Jesus said, “It is finished.” With that, he bowed his head and gave up his spirit," John 19:30. I have absolutely nothing I can add to that statement or that precious final payment.

All that's left for me now is to put on the righteousness of Jesus like a garment that covers up my not enoughness. And then live in it. I may not be enough but he certainly is. Galatians 2:20, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

I am not enough. Really. Are you? Are you tired of trying to be enough? Then slip on the righteousness of Jesus offered freely for you, you'll have to let go of all of yourself to take hold of it, but really it's worth it.

Enough

Enough. It's a word that rings in my ears of late. Clanging against insecurity, stirring up longing. Am I enough, do I have enough, what is enough?

Quite honestly the answer is no. Nothing is enough, satisfying, or fulfilling; at least not permanently. A quote from a book I love keeps floating to the surface of these messy thoughts. Roughly it says 'life doesn't justify the living, this world is not enough.' It's a concept explored in Mark Buchanan's book "Things Unseen."

Everyday I'm faced with the option of looking in the mirror and pulling on the masks and facades to cover up the lack I find staring back at me.

The question of enough leads down the slippery slope of idolatry. We addictively shove things into the gaping hole of need or pose as savior to those near us with great need themselves.

But Jesus answers with gentle tones of understanding. He offered himself, the only remedy. Believing that anything other than Jesus is enough for our deepest longings and short comings is a ticket to a life of disappointments.

Our marriages, our beauty, homes, children, our relationships, talents, projects, blogs, everything, will leave us disappointed with a gnawing hunger in our hearts and resentment building in our bones.

God is so kind, he uses our hungry dissatisfaction to propel us in search of him. So, in the midst of our restless holiday season, our ever seeking, our not enough, lets call out, "come Lord Jesus and satisfy us today, be our Enough!"

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will - to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves," Ephesians 1:3-6. Enough!

Women who Inspire: The Sisterhood

Sister - (from dictionary.com) 
adjective:
12. being or considered a sister; related by or as if by sisterhood: sister ships. 
13. having a close relationship with another because of shared interests, problems, or the like. 

I have been undeniably blessed by precious women in my life. Some close family, some lived before my time, some have rubbed me hard smoothing away jagged edges, some young, some old, some who know my heart deeply and still love me, some I've never met. But all sharing a common relation, fellowship birthed from the blood of Jesus. Sweet family, a gift. These women have so energized my Christian walk I just had to introduce some of them to you. (I hope you will post a comment and tell me about the women who have blessed your life.)

Amy Carmichael

This week's sister:

I don't know how old I was when I first heard the story of Amy Carmichael but I do know the memory of it's power has never left me. I was astounded by a world so foreign, so dangerous; I was even more astounded by a woman who would willingly go alone to make a difference. Amy Carmichael was born in 1867 in Northern Ireland, the oldest of seven children. Her life pursuit of serving others began when she was just a teenager and continued until she died at the age of 83 in India. She spent 55 years in India pouring out her life in love for the most vulnerable. She dressed as an Indian and entered their world, moved by the plight of girls often victims of infanticide and temple prostitution.She suffered from poor health and physical weakness but her heart and actions were courageous. Dohnavur Fellowship, founded by Amy as a sanctuary for children, rescued hundreds from a life of suffering. She became their Amma, mother. In her 55 years of missionary work in India not once did she return home to Ireland, not once. Her passion was her life, the children her family.

Amy wrote many books and songs over the course of her life. Here is an excerpt from "Lotus Buds" in which she compares the children of India to lotus flowers, her passion is evident:

"All souls are His [God's], all flowers. An alien power has possessed them, counted them as his for so many generations, that we have almost acquiesced to the shameful confiscation. But neither souls nor flowers are his who did not make them. They were never truly his. They belong to the Lord of all the earth, the Creator, the Redeemer. The little Lotus buds are His - His and not another's. The children of the temples of South Indiaare His - His and not another's. So now we go forth with the Owner Himself to claim His own possession. There is hope in the thought, and confidence and the purest inspiration. And, stirred to the very depths, as we are and must be many a time when we see the tender Lotus buds gathered by a hand that has no right to them, and crushed underfoot; bewildered and sore troubled, as the heart cannot help being sometimes, when the mystery of apparent victory of evil over good is overwhelming; even so there will be always a hush, a rest, a repose of spirit, as we stand by the Lotus-pools of life and seek in His Name to gather His flowers."

As a child I knew I wanted to live a life of purpose, a life of love, inspired by compassion flowing from a heart so humble. Years after her work on this earth is done, Amy is still teaching, bright example moving others to love the vulnerable and unlovely. In a letter replying to a young woman who had asked what missionary life was like Amy wrote, "Missionary life is simply a chance to die." Ah, a heart like Jesus, I'm honored to count her as one of the sisters I have yet to meet. 

Testimonies like Amy's compel me to live in the moment, seek God for the now, die to fantasizing about the fulfillment of empty desires. How about you? Is there someone whose example compels you to dig deeper, love more richly, sacrifice more freely? I'd love to hear about them.

A Healing Place

I don't often write about my husband, Chris, or our marriage on my blog, not because it isn't important in my life, quite the opposite. Because he is so important, however, I  want to honor him and I know he doesn't care for the spotlight. I've been thinking about marriage lately though and I have some observations I want to share.

I looked up the occurrence of the words marriage, husband, wife and healing in the bible to see if I was going in the right direction. I think I am. Perhaps I'm late arriving at the party and I'm just figuring out what everyone else has already known, if so I do apologize. Let me ask the question "What do you think the purpose of marriage is?" Probably not many of us would answer outright, marriage makes me happy. We'd probably try be more spiritual or mature and say something like, marriage is for partnership, it makes me a better person, to share a burden, to teach us about love, it makes life better etc. But even though we may say otherwise, I think we behave as if marriage is about making us happy, at least I'm going to confess that I do.

I think though, for Christians, marriage is about healing. The bible repeatedly draws the parallel between divine love and human love. Jesus came to heal; to heal our broken relationship with the Father, heal our spirits from the stain of sin, heal our minds from flawed thinking, heal our bodies from the curse of death. Ultimately that's the whole point, healing. What if marriage was a safe place for healing? What if marriage wasn't about how the other person made us feel, but how we allowed them the space and support to heal? Perhaps then we would be imitating Jesus' relationship with his bride.

It's taken me a long time to get this concept, sometimes I remember it and sometimes I don't, just ask Chris. Now that we've been married twelve years, I look back and I wish I had realized at the beginning, a healthy marriage is one that is consciously designed to be a place of healing. There's enough judgement from the rest of the world without our spouses pushing us to conform us to their ideal or shaming us into their preferred behavior. I admit I still have a ginormous amount to learn about offering Chris the freedom he needs to hear from and be parented by God, without my uninvited input and impatience but my support.

I look back at the early days of our marriage and I know a lot of growth has happened. I also know, since we live up close and personal, that there are still areas God wants to work on in Chris' life, I'm positive he's equally aware of similar areas in mine. Our spouses are all different, but one thing I've learned about my husband is that if I want to see who he really is, if I want to be invited into the intimacy of his heart, I must walk softly. Several years ago a mental image popped into my head. My husband is an introvert, he doesn't enjoy chaos or conflict, who does really. I had the picture of a timid rabbit in the woods, shy and quiet, if you sit down very still maybe the bunny will come out and nose around you and get comfortable but if you go singing and tromping through the forest all the woodland creatures scurry. Sometimes I call Chris my woodland creature to remind myself to act accordingly. I think to an extent that's true of all of us. Our hearts need a place of safety to unfurl and blossom.

I wrote in my previous post about Jennifer, my friend with Down syndrome, and how God had allowed me to see her beauty, but only because I was looking. I think that applies in marriage. We are all undergoing a transformation, but some spouses, due to trauma, need heart surgery and marriage is like a triage. No matter where we are in the process in each spouse is beauty to be seen, but only if we walk softly and look. Is your husband stressed and snappish, walk softly and look for the beauty. Does your wife struggle with an addiction in an attempt to find her self worth, use quiet words and look for beauty. Is your spouse stuck in a broken means of coping with past wounds, which only causes more pain, use the gentle hands of Jesus and look for beauty. I'm not saying it's easy, living in close quarters with another person's pain, weaknesses, sin is messy but that's why we need to have new eyes to see what the purpose of marriage really is. Marriage is not ultimately for our comfort although we certainly can have comfort in companionship, it's not just for pleasure although there is often greater joy shared with our spouse than anyone else, it's not only for safety although protection from the harshness of life can be found in marriage. Ultimately marriage is a microcosm of the love of Jesus for his people, the people he bled for, the people he prays for, people who will ultimately be healed and made completely whole by his care. And that, I believe, is the right expectation of marriage, to foster an environment in which our spouse meets Jesus, in us, on their journey to being made whole, sanctified, pure and holy. Big words I know, now I need to learn how to live them.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13

These verses were most certainly written for the church to understand how to love one another, no doubt they may be applied to marriage as well. For what purpose is this kind of love, other than a partnership with Jesus in another person's journey, to bring about good, healing, life. What a profound privilege and daunting responsibility. God is brutally serious about marriage, because it's a mirror image of his heart, it tells how he faithfully loves us from death to life.

I'd love to hear from you. Do you agree or think I'm off base? How has God taught you about his nature through your marriage?

Exchange

Jesus isn't interested in negotiating terms of surrender with us. He's the victor, winner takes all. His one term of surrender is death. At first it may seem harsh and as if we have lost. But we only win if we surrender our lives to Jesus on his terms. Because in exchange for our dead lives we are given his perfect, indestructible life as our very own.

Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Why is it that on the surface we can say amen and agree but when it gets down to the giving up of our desires, rights, comforts and dare I say sins we struggle so? I ask myself this question often.

Sometimes I feel like I go through my life dieing instead of living. But I suppose that's the paradox of eternal life. I'm giving up what looks like life in this world as an investment for life in the promised one. Of course then I look around me and realize I have so much dieing left to do! Oh to live in the power of his life every moment, make it my desire Jesus!

Healing

Jesus asked people, "Which is easier: to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up, take your mat and walk'? But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins . . ." He said to the paralytic, "I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home."" Mark 2:9-12

So I ask you which is the bigger miracle, the greater display of God's authority? That he can tame the sea he created or heal eyes he made or turn water into wine or that he can control hearts that have become rebellious. Of all the things he has made only the heart has a will of it's own. Why shouldn't he command his creation's obedience, Colossians 1 says he holds all things together. But a heart, healing a heart is an unfathomable miracle, it's the real miracle.

Don't expect a miraculous story of healing in my life right now. I believe I have a different story to tell. The Bible is full of testimonies of God's healing power, and people who received that gift. But the Bible also tells other stories, perhaps less exciting to us, but just as important. 2 Corinthians 12:7-9 says, "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." I don't know what Paul's weakness was; physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. But I do know it was for God's greatness to be displayed.

In the passages from Mark and 2 Corinthians God's display of healing power and the withholding of his healing were both displays of his authority to point to his sufficiency and glory. Both are right. I love in Mark how Jesus says so that you may know that I have authority to forgive sins, be healed. The more important healing is the heart. He came to heal our hearts now totally and completely. Jesus' focus on earth was spiritual wholeness and freedom. He didn't heal everyone physically. Not everyone in the old and new testaments experienced immediate healing, not even Job. God allowed Job to experience the fullness of loss before he restored him. In the midst of pain and suffering Job had no guarantee of healing. And the truth is the Bible doesn't say specifically that we as believers can expect full healing now. But it does say that everyone that asks can expect a healed heart. Over and over the Bible talks about the passion God has for restoring us, Jesus wasn't sent to earth to heal all of our illnesses but he was sent to reconcile all of mankind to himself.

Romans 8:18-21, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." I believe that the Holy Spirit is the deposit of the things to come. I'm whole in Christ but the full revealing of our complete restoration as God's children hasn't come to pass yet. But it will! That will be the time of the complete and eternal healing of all things.

As you can tell I've been pondering healing quite a bit lately. Partly because I've run up against people's expectations that if I have faith God will heal me. I'm convinced however that healing isn't as simple as that, life isn't as simple as that. I join with Paul in saying, "therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me". I believe my story is one of submission, yielding and Christ's sustaining power. I believe my wholeness has been purchased and is complete but I live in a temporal world and I haven't seen it's fullness yet, but it is no less a reality. One day I will be revealed as I really am completely whole body, mind and spirit. But not today. Even if I was healed here on earth would this body not still die, I can never have the complete healing I long for here. Romans 8:23-25, "we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." This passage goes on to say that the Spirit intercedes for us in accordance with God's will even when we don't know how to pray. I believe God's Spirit has told me how to pray in this season of my life, that his grace will be sufficient and that my life will display his glory. And that's how I pray nothing more or less.

Worship

Today the altar of sacrifice looms before me; insurmountable, bloody, costly. But I strap myself down and turn my face to him in adoration. My mind turns to Romans 12:1 and Paul's plea "to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him." If he really wants my body he can have it, he has a claim on all that I am, it came from him in the first place and will return to him in the end.

Two days ago I knew the symptoms I had struggled with in the fall were back. Yesterday I walked with a limp and was dizzy, my hands felt week and strange, my memory struggled. It hit me like a ton of bricks because, since one mild flair up in January, I have improved physically to the point that I would have said I was 90 percent improved. I see my gynecologist next week, my neurologist wanted to have my hormone balance checked since that can effect neurological function. If that test comes back normal I'm back to the drawing board and will probably have further MS testing.

Yesterday when my symptoms flared so dramatically, I wanted to weep. The unknown of my health is stifling, the what ifs, the challenge of functioning when I feel so yucky makes me weary. BUT Jesus. If it wasn't for that sweet name, I would be tempted to lay down in despair. Instead I WORSHIP. In times like these I find the only thing to do is die. My plans, my hopes and desires even my needs all get heaped up on the altar. My body is fair game, money, husband and (I shudder) children, all are subject to the flames of sacrifice. But I find the sacrifice (ignited by the flame of the Spirit, initiated by the blood of the Son) is just a doorway and beyond the doorway of death is my real life, lived in the power and life and authority of the Son. I find that when I thought I was alive I was really dead and that when I died that's when my real life began. And I find that this twisting, turning journey of faith is really made up of multiple altars, deaths and resurrections. Until one day it's all done, the final death is encountered and one day my eyes open to the blinding radiance of my real life and it's all in my Beloveds face. No more faith, all sight.

Servanthood

I have to confess I struggle a lot with living the life of a servant. Anyone else with me in this struggle? I have this amazing knack to turn absolutely anything into something about me, just ask my husband, even when it's not. God has been teaching me lately that he is always at work and I have an open invitation to join him. The catch is that I have to adjust my life to fit his plans to join that work. I also have to join him as a servant. Ouch, that hurts my pride more than I realized. Isn't that ridiculous, as if I know better than the Almighty, ever existing God of the universe. The God who tells Job, "Everything under heaven is mine"! Honestly I think my problem is that I want recognition, I think it's a sickness inherited generationally, probably all the way back from the original parents in Eden. As if I think one prayer I pray, one kindness done, one truth told could have any effect without Jesus infusing each act with his power. I think for a few days that I'm chugging along great, loving Jesus, ingesting his word, sitting at his feet and then bam I trip over my own pride. I get a bloody nose and scraped hands to remind me he's the parent, I'm the child; he's the leader, I'm the follower; he's the source, I'm the receiver. His faithfulness once again relied upon and needed, I'm thankful. Will it always be this way? I hope my journey begins resembling a train ride in a steady direction instead of a jolting roller coaster, I don't like roller coasters. I know I'm just like Peter, if I kept my eyes locked firmly on Jesus I could glide across the water, but more often than not I notice the waves and splash. And if my eyes stayed on Jesus what would I see? The perfect Servant; humble, gentle, faithful.

"Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God. He made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form. And in human form he obediently humbled himself even further by dying a criminal's death on a cross. Because of this, God raised him up to the heights of heaven and gave him a name that is above every other name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." Philippians 2:5-11

The Heart

Hearts. They are dangerous, messy, wild, unpredictable things. What are we to do with them? How can they ever be tamed, I know I can't curb mine on my own. I've been going through Colossians with my girls Life Group recently. Colossians 3:1-4 says "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." In the previous verses Paul talks about the rules and traditions we use that "lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence." We need more than rules to tame our hearts, it's going to take something much bigger.

The key is death. That old ugly heart has got to die. We think sometimes, in the issue of salvation and faith, there is no price to pay, Christ paid it all. And certainly he did, but his invitation to us is death. We must share in his death on the cross. Until we die we can't live. It's something that happens once on the one hand, but then again, it has to happen daily too. I don't like dieing to myself, it hurts, my heart rebels, it doesn't want to be put to death. I lay it down on the altar, I bare it to his masterful touch, his surgeon hands, but I flinch, I want to jump up off of the altar.

It sounds so simple, but I've found the only way my heart is transformed, is "set on things above", is through significant time spent in the word, meditation and worship. I'm using Beth Moore's bible study 'A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place', it has been so timely. God's plan has always been to reach our hearts (thank you Jesus!) and this study points back to that. I've also been purposely not turning on the TV and setting aside quiet time at night to just be with Jesus, in his word, quieting my heart before him, worshiping him. I am so thankful for people and groups like Chris Tomlin, Third Day, Hillsong, Travis Cottrell, Selah and so many more for using the gifts God's given them to teach us and lead us in worship. Lately I almost always have worship music on, it changes me. It lifts my heart and mind to places 'above'.

To spend significant, life changing time with God though takes sacrifice, discipline, commitment. One of the problems we as Christians have with taming our hearts is that we live in a culture that pampers and indulges the heart. We, as a culture, deny ourselves nothing. Righteousness, holiness doesn't come without a price. But what do we gain in return? Everything! Col. 3:4 "When Christ, who is your life (your heart) appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." Glory! He's so generous. He asks us to die, but to what? Immorality, greed, selfishness, fear, bitterness. It's hard, certainly, but what does he offer us in return for our broken, black hearts? His own! His glory, his life, power, love, freedom, peace! Have you ever known anyone so generous?! So I dare you, let's do it, what do we have to lose, let's die! And in dieing we'll live!

Jesus Blood

As I sit down to write my heart is so full. Today, or maybe I should say the last few weeks, parenting Max has been a challenge. Ive noticed since his 5th birthday in January and since Jacob moved a few weeks ago Max has been less mellow and more argumentative. He's been expressing his displeasure at having to obey or being corrected with rude words, angry faces, stomping, things he's never done quite to this level. I think in some ways as he's grown he's been testing the boundaries and trying out a few new tricks. Tonight we required that he try at least a bite of either an orange or black beans with our meal. There was much wailing, gnashing of teeth and in the end a spanking. As he expressed his frustration and anger we tried to help him to understand that some expressions (especially rudeness and setting your parents straight) are not appropriate.

The terrible ordeal ended with him crying with orange in his mouth, which led to choking, which led to him going to bed early. Unfortunately there will be orange for breakfast, we'll see how that goes. As I got him ready for bed he was very emotional and crying still. Between tears he sobbed he was nothing but trouble, he just couldn't do things right. As much as that broke my heart I believed I was hearing conviction. I took the opportunity to talk him through what he was feeling.

I should clarify that this all started a few days ago in a time out for something or other. I asked him why his heart was so angry. He told me it was because his heart was black. I asked him what he thought would help his heart. "God's blood, I need God's blood for my heart." Profound. When I originally asked the question I wasn't expecting anything quite so deep.

So, back to tonight. As he was telling me he was nothing but trouble I realized one thing that was distressing him was that if Jesus blood was in his heart why was he still trouble. Oh, haven't I asked the same question a hundred times. He said he believed God loved him but not that Jesus died just once, because he needed his blood again. I took the opportunity to explain that even though Jesus blood saves us we also need to ask for his blood applied to our hearts to forgive us again when we sin, but that Jesus doesn't need to die again. So he said right away well I better ask for his blood to forgive me again. He squinted his eyes real tight and prayed, "Jesus, I'm sorry I was rude and I'm trouble, will you give me your blood to forgive me, Amen."

He was hooked and wanted 'to know more'. So I told him a little about the Jewish sacrificial system and why Jesus was our lamb. His eyes got wide. I told him about sanctification. To which he replied, "I just don't get it." I told him I didn't get it when I was little either but that he would learn. I explained that sometimes mommy and daddy are still trouble and we need Jesus blood in our hearts all over again too. But that one day we would all be perfect and we wouldn't be trouble or need to be forgiven ever again.

He relaxed and went to sleep. And I left his room full to the brim to hear my child cry out to his savior. I learned so much about myself, my son, God. Life is painful, even when you're five, only Jesus blood gives the pain meaning. I love how he grasped the concept of the blood. Where there is sin someone has to die, there must always be blood. I'm so grateful Jesus provided his. I don't ask Jesus to "put his blood in my heart again" often enough. I'm thankful for the reminder of a child.

Cleansing

Words are jostling around in my mind all vying for attention, reflection, definition. Passion, worship, spiritual, sin, holiness, commitment. All words God is teaching me about and challenging me on. Each word could be focused on exclusively and developed in my life. Yet I'm learning they are interwoven, each effected by the other.

How does a person, a church, become spiritually passionate? How do we become committed to holiness? When does worship become a lifestyle? How do we get past the form of spirituality and to the heart of spirituality?

I believe the crux of the issue is sin. I am not merciless with sin. I, and I believe many others in the church, let sin creep in unchecked. I confess I'm not consistent with confessing and dealing swiftly and brutally with sin. I wouldn't knowingly allow cancer to go unchecked in my body. Sin is just as surely a death sentence in my life.

I don't want to live at the mercy of sin anymore. I've learned it has no mercy. It's goal is my destruction. God's glory and holiness should reign in my life and all that it brings, not the putrid stench of death. If I haven't washed my heart in Jesus blood, cleaning the stains of sin from my heart, when I walk into his presence to worship, pray, commune the stench of death rises to meet him instead of the sweet perfume of Jesus. What an assault to his gift of grace.

Whenever I ask myself why does God seem silent, why don't I have joy like I did or should, why is the bible dry, why am I at odds with others, why, why, why... I know sin is the culprit. When I hear other people ask those questions, or see a lack of fruit and passion I know sin's at the root of it. When I see a church struggling to connect with each other and the community, lacking zeal, disconnected in worship I know sin is lurking.

The Holy Spirit is hindered in his work of transforming us into holy people when sin is left undelt with in our lives. Only when we begin at the beginning, washing our hearts for the first or the five hundredth time, can passion ignite, worship flow freely, healing begin. Oh, come and clean us Jesus. May our goal be your glory and the means be our holiness.