Into The Heart Of A Generous God

$18! Eighteen dollars. I have eighteen dollars for Serbia. Eighteen dollars of blessing, that say yes, that say I believe!

On Tuesday I felt overwhelmed. I was doubting. I wanted to hyperventilate because I'm going to Serbia in October and I need $3,000 to go. I don't have $3,000. I was flinging up prayers to God, reminding him I was standing down here with my back up against the wall, reminding him he called me to go and anytime he was willing I was ready for him to provide. 

On Wednesday God was gently turning my attention away from the looming mountain and back to himself. I read Susie Larson's blog post "How Fear Get's In The Way of Freedom" which was, as usual, timely. Here's my response to her challenge to confidently put fear in it's place:

"Goodness knows I needed to be reminded not to fear! I was freaking out to my husband yesterday. "I thought God called me to Serbia, I have no money, when is he going to send the money!" Of course I know he uses circumstances to maximize our trust and satisfaction in him. Sometimes my heart just forgets. It's not the removal of the obstacle that takes away fear it's the awareness of God's goodness and power to act on our behalf. I was reading about Lazarus' resurrection last night. I was struck that Jesus purposefully allowed loss, a death, in his friend's lives for the greater good of his glory and their salvation. Stunning. I had never really looked at that passage from their vantage point of God's love delayed. It looked like Jesus' indifference had done them harm but of course it was an unexpected path to victory. I forget that my goal isn't really Serbia, my goal is the heart of God. That's where my satisfaction lies! Thank you for the reminder."

I've said before that I'm not afraid of going to Serbia, I'm really more afraid of not going. But fear is fear, and it's wrong. Deep breath. As I wrote that comment on Suzie Larson's blog post a lightning bolt hit and I remembered what I knew in the beginning of this journey. Serbia isn't really the goal, the heart of God is. Who doesn't want a quest, a holy grail, a fair maiden to rescue, a mountain to conquer, (insert cheesy example here), to help them know that life's worth living. But God reminded me Serbia's not my holy grail, HE is. Going to Serbia is about being invited into the heart of God, he is my great adventure. He's lavished me with love and then invited me to join him in lavishing it on others. And one thing I know is that when he calls us to love he also equips us to love.

So on Wednesday night before I went to bed I prayed, "God you multiplied just a few loaves and fishes and fed 5,000, I still need some loaves and fish, would you provide me with the loaves and fish you're going to multiply." My heart was confident and I rested knowing God has invited me into his love and he will provide all I need to join him in expressing it. The next day when Chris came home for lunch he told me to look in my Chip In account. I had been gifted with $18! A dear blog friend had believed and blessed.

I don't know why it wasn't $15 or $20 but rather $18; I'm glad it was! It is my loaves and fishes. A little boy's lunch. I trust that God will multiply that $18 and that it will become enough. I believe; because Serbia's not the point, the heart of God is and his heart is generous!

What path are you on that is taking you deeper into the heart of God?

(If you want to know more about my trip to Serbia and how to get involved go here)