It's been nice and hot for the last couple of weeks. One day this week I took some containers of water outside for Max to fill his water gun up with. Pretty soon the water was being splashed in and poured out, they had so much fun!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Summer Days
It's been nice and hot for the last couple of weeks. One day this week I took some containers of water outside for Max to fill his water gun up with. Pretty soon the water was being splashed in and poured out, they had so much fun!
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Happy Birthday to me!
Today is my 33 birthday! My posts here are usually about what God is teaching me and the transformation I'm undergoing. That work is often painful and messy and I'm certainly my own worst critic. I have no problem sharing what God is doing in my life and I don't mind admitting when I mess up. But today I thought I'd do something a little different. Today I'm going to celebrate me! I rejoice with the psalmist in saying I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I know that full well! I know that God created me for his glory and as an object of his love, mercy and generosity. When I am being the Beck he created me to be I know he is pleased, hopefully other people are lifted up and I am most satisfied. And while I'm certainly not at the end of this spiritual journey or the maturing process, I'm further down the road than I was last year. So YAY God for giving me life and then giving me your Spirit to live that life!
23 in the mountains with family for Thanksgiving
31 Snellville GA
32 Seal Beach California
32 Cody WY
Some pictures of me over the years:
22 at our engagement party in Ohio
23 in the mountains with family for Thanksgiving
30 Bellbrook Ohio
31 Snellville GA
32 Seal Beach California
32 Cody WY
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Let me be a woman
Okay, stay with me this is a long one. I've been re-reading the book "Let Me Be A Woman" by Elisabeth Elliot. She writes to women about understanding their identity as a woman in Christ. It's a provocative book, tackling many issues and questions incredibly pertinent for today's Christian woman. It's not necessarily an easy book, but important. She speaks to my heart and provides refreshing wisdom as I continue to understand my identity in Christ. Here's an excerpt from the book that I found incredibly profound.
"All creatures, with the two exceptions that we know of, have willingly taken the places appointed to them. The Bible speaks of angels who rebelled and therefore were cast down out of heaven, and of the fall of man. Adam and Eve were not satisfied with the place assigned. They refused the single limitation set them in the Garden of Eden and thus brought sin and death to the whole world. It was, in fact, the woman, Eve, who saw the opportunity to be something other than she was meant to be - the Serpent convinced her that she could easily be "like God" - and she took the initiative... What sort of world might it have been if Eve had refused the Serpent's offer and had said to him instead, "Let me not be like God. Let me be what I was made to be - let me be a woman?" But the sin was fatal beyond their worst imaginings. It was hubris, a lifting up of the soul in defiance of God, the kind of pride that usurps another's place."
When Eve defiantly refused God's place for her in creation death entered the picture. Isn't that still true today. Our society has offered women a lie about their role and many of us at one time or another have embraced it. Every time a woman refuses her God given place and competes with men for their role it produces death. It leaves a gap needing to be filled. Children and husbands suffer, church communities feel the loss, society is certainly no better off.
Wanting to be something other than what we were made to be is so ungrateful to our loving Creator. I struggled with being a woman so much in my late teens, early twenties. I even remember saying to my mom one day, "I wish I was a man." I felt frustrated by my limitations, options, expectations, power; even in this day and age of equality. My frustrations, I now know, came ultimately from not embracing who I had been created to be; wanting to be something else. I went to college for a degree, not a husband, and then I was heading off on my own for adventure. I wanted to serve God as a missionary, and I didn't need a man to get me there. There's certainly nothing wrong with being a single missionary, but my motivation was wrong. Before long I realized I wasn't supposed to be a missionary. For a time I was attracted to careers like journalist/writer, lobbyist, political office and even lawyer. I was drawn to power and influence. It always astonishes me when people say things to me like; you're so sweet and quiet, I can't imagine you having a temper, you're soft spoken. Either they don't know me well or God really has refined me. On campus I was outspoken and feisty. I had one dean tell me, "You're a firecracker, I didn't expect that." Anyhow, I obviously hadn't learned what I needed to about myself yet. Then I met Chris and everything changed. I left college with an associates degree not a bachelors, engaged and certainly not headed for oversees. The lessons were still to be learned but I was on my way.
The first year or so of marriage was a constant battle. I wanted to be in control. I understood with new meaning the verse in Genesis 3 that says 'your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.' I wanted to be in charge, I wanted his job, submission was for sissies. I don't remember what exactly caused the change, but I remember it happening. One day I realized that I was free to submit without losing my identity (I would actually gain it) if I believed I had married a trustworthy man and I have a trustworthy God. After that everything changed. Sparks sometimes still fly in the Gambill household, I'm a redhead in disguise, but it's nothing like it had been. Not that it hasn't been a hard road, it has. Some days after changing yet another diaper, reading one more book, cooking dinner again I ask myself is this really my life. I never was a girl that longed only to be a wife and mother. Some days I still long for adventure and excitement. Then God reminds me I have a great task ahead of me. Learning to serve selflessly, giving my talents to raising two precious children, submitting not only to Chris but most importantly to God as he transforms my nature. I'm not afraid anymore of embracing my role as a woman in Christ; made for service, partnership, nurture and submission. In living with understanding as to my original purpose, and embracing it, there is amazing freedom. I don't need to be liberated by feminists or men when I live to bring glory to God according to the purpose he created me for.
"All creatures, with the two exceptions that we know of, have willingly taken the places appointed to them. The Bible speaks of angels who rebelled and therefore were cast down out of heaven, and of the fall of man. Adam and Eve were not satisfied with the place assigned. They refused the single limitation set them in the Garden of Eden and thus brought sin and death to the whole world. It was, in fact, the woman, Eve, who saw the opportunity to be something other than she was meant to be - the Serpent convinced her that she could easily be "like God" - and she took the initiative... What sort of world might it have been if Eve had refused the Serpent's offer and had said to him instead, "Let me not be like God. Let me be what I was made to be - let me be a woman?" But the sin was fatal beyond their worst imaginings. It was hubris, a lifting up of the soul in defiance of God, the kind of pride that usurps another's place."
When Eve defiantly refused God's place for her in creation death entered the picture. Isn't that still true today. Our society has offered women a lie about their role and many of us at one time or another have embraced it. Every time a woman refuses her God given place and competes with men for their role it produces death. It leaves a gap needing to be filled. Children and husbands suffer, church communities feel the loss, society is certainly no better off.
Wanting to be something other than what we were made to be is so ungrateful to our loving Creator. I struggled with being a woman so much in my late teens, early twenties. I even remember saying to my mom one day, "I wish I was a man." I felt frustrated by my limitations, options, expectations, power; even in this day and age of equality. My frustrations, I now know, came ultimately from not embracing who I had been created to be; wanting to be something else. I went to college for a degree, not a husband, and then I was heading off on my own for adventure. I wanted to serve God as a missionary, and I didn't need a man to get me there. There's certainly nothing wrong with being a single missionary, but my motivation was wrong. Before long I realized I wasn't supposed to be a missionary. For a time I was attracted to careers like journalist/writer, lobbyist, political office and even lawyer. I was drawn to power and influence. It always astonishes me when people say things to me like; you're so sweet and quiet, I can't imagine you having a temper, you're soft spoken. Either they don't know me well or God really has refined me. On campus I was outspoken and feisty. I had one dean tell me, "You're a firecracker, I didn't expect that." Anyhow, I obviously hadn't learned what I needed to about myself yet. Then I met Chris and everything changed. I left college with an associates degree not a bachelors, engaged and certainly not headed for oversees. The lessons were still to be learned but I was on my way.
The first year or so of marriage was a constant battle. I wanted to be in control. I understood with new meaning the verse in Genesis 3 that says 'your desire will be for your husband and he will rule over you.' I wanted to be in charge, I wanted his job, submission was for sissies. I don't remember what exactly caused the change, but I remember it happening. One day I realized that I was free to submit without losing my identity (I would actually gain it) if I believed I had married a trustworthy man and I have a trustworthy God. After that everything changed. Sparks sometimes still fly in the Gambill household, I'm a redhead in disguise, but it's nothing like it had been. Not that it hasn't been a hard road, it has. Some days after changing yet another diaper, reading one more book, cooking dinner again I ask myself is this really my life. I never was a girl that longed only to be a wife and mother. Some days I still long for adventure and excitement. Then God reminds me I have a great task ahead of me. Learning to serve selflessly, giving my talents to raising two precious children, submitting not only to Chris but most importantly to God as he transforms my nature. I'm not afraid anymore of embracing my role as a woman in Christ; made for service, partnership, nurture and submission. In living with understanding as to my original purpose, and embracing it, there is amazing freedom. I don't need to be liberated by feminists or men when I live to bring glory to God according to the purpose he created me for.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Sunny Days
My little princess
Max and Maggie enjoying a sunny day
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The Imitation of Christ
I wanted to share some words from "The Imitation of Christ" by Thomas A' Kempis that I thought were incredibly challenging.
"We might enjoy much peace, if we would not busy ourselves with the words and deeds of other men, with things which do not concern ourselves... Blessed are the single-hearted: for they shall enjoy much peace. [Some saints labored] to mortify themselves wholly to all earthly desires; and therefore they could with their whole heart fix themselves upon God, and be free for spiritual contemplation. We are too much led by our passions, and too solicitous for transitory things... The greatest, and indeed the whole impediment, is that we are not disentangled from our passions and lusts, neither do we endeavor to enter into that path of perfection which the saints have walked before us; and when any small adversity befalleth us, we are too quickly dejected, and turn ourselves to human comforts. If we would endeavor, like men of courage, to stand in the battle, surely we should feel the favorable assistance of God from heaven... If we esteem our progress in religious life to consist only in some exterior observances, our devotion will quickly be at an end. But let us lay the axe to the root, that being freed from passions, we may find rest to our souls... O, if thou didst but consider how much inward peace unto thyself, and joy unto others, the example of thy holy life would bring, I suppose thou wouldest be more careful of thy spiritual progress."
Words like a dagger through my heart. It always seems to come back to the same thing, die to self to be alive in Christ.
"We might enjoy much peace, if we would not busy ourselves with the words and deeds of other men, with things which do not concern ourselves... Blessed are the single-hearted: for they shall enjoy much peace. [Some saints labored] to mortify themselves wholly to all earthly desires; and therefore they could with their whole heart fix themselves upon God, and be free for spiritual contemplation. We are too much led by our passions, and too solicitous for transitory things... The greatest, and indeed the whole impediment, is that we are not disentangled from our passions and lusts, neither do we endeavor to enter into that path of perfection which the saints have walked before us; and when any small adversity befalleth us, we are too quickly dejected, and turn ourselves to human comforts. If we would endeavor, like men of courage, to stand in the battle, surely we should feel the favorable assistance of God from heaven... If we esteem our progress in religious life to consist only in some exterior observances, our devotion will quickly be at an end. But let us lay the axe to the root, that being freed from passions, we may find rest to our souls... O, if thou didst but consider how much inward peace unto thyself, and joy unto others, the example of thy holy life would bring, I suppose thou wouldest be more careful of thy spiritual progress."
Words like a dagger through my heart. It always seems to come back to the same thing, die to self to be alive in Christ.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Joy
Joy! I'm not a perfect person, not even a great one. The state of the world, America, the church bewilders and concerns me. Parenthood is a scary responsibility. I miss my family. I haven't had enough sleep in the last week, I'm tired. Relationships are hard work. But today I feel joy! Why?! I guess because in spite of, in the midst of all the assaults and challenges of life, today, Jesus has drawn my eyes to himself. I say Jesus drew my eyes, not that I turned my eyes to him because I don't think I'm actually strong enough to lift my eyes from the mire of this world and my self preoccupation to his precious face. It's his irresistible love, his sweet voice that calls me in the first place. Jesus is my joy; the source of it, cause of it, reason for it. What freedom to know that the responsibility of my personal transformation, the needs of this world, the perfection of Christ's bride, parenthood, the cares of life don't rest on me. The weight of self is removed when our eyes truly focus on him. Yay, I'm not really that interesting anyway. I'd much rather be preoccupied with him than me. The joy comes when we lean in close to him and everything else, especially ourselves, fades away. Ahhhh. Now if I can only remember that tomorrow...
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Our blessing
Chris with Max and Maggie last summer
Chris, Max and Maggie last Father's Day
Welcoming Maggie into the world
Chris' first little girl
Chris' first little boy
Proverbs 20:7 "The righteous man leads a blameless life, blessed are his children after him."
Our children are so blessed Chris to have your love to secure them, your example to guide them, your wisdom to learn from. I know parenthood isn't easy, even on a good day. I also know it is an amazing tool in God's hand to shape both of us. I believe our children will be better people because of having you as a father. I celebrate the work he is doing in you and by extension our family and children. I know it's all for His glory!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Fathers
Poppy and Max outside of the Hoover building where he works
Poppy, Chris and Max in Washington D.C.
Poppy with Maggie and Bailey
Papa with Maggie
Papa with Maggie in their GA Tech colors
Papa with Max
Happy Father's Day to two very important Dad's in our family! We would not be the same people or family with out your influence in our lives.
"It is a great thing to live in obedience, to be under a superior, and not to be our own judges. It is much safer to obey than to govern." Thomas A Kempis
I believe that's true, I wish I had understood that as a child. As much as children don't care for obedience and submission at times leadership is the harder burden to bear. So thank you for your leadership and example in our lives and now in the lives of our precious children! We love you!
Spring on the Prairie
These are some pictures I took recently outside of Cody. A friend from church has started a photo club. This week we were working on the rule of thirds, I still need some work in that area. Anyway it was a fun way to meet some new people and do something I enjoy. I haven't cleaned these pictures up yet, it was a dark, rainy day; but you can see spring on the Prairie.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Reminders
I don't know how each of you view current world or domestic events. Certainly there is nothing new under the sun, however lately the times we're living in can leave me feeling a bit unnerved. I must say I look at America at this stage of her life and I question her ability to survive. I wonder if she'll survive Obama but even more will she survive the irresponsibility of her citizens. Will she survive the sleeping church. I don't know. And then there is the American church, don't even get me started. I know the global body of Christ will survive, it just will. I think things are going to start heating up for the American church though. Usually I try not to let the condition of the country or even the church be my focus or a distraction. I almost never watch the news or keep abreast of current events, on purpose. Sometimes though I find myself speculating and worrying about the future, this last week was one of those times.
I'm in a bible study that is covering the book of Revelations. Good book. Sometimes though, especially for a personality like me, it can be scary, intimidating, overwhelming. I left worrying, "Is the end near, will we be a cashless society soon, will I have to take a stand against 'the mark' soon, will my children be taken away, what should I do to prepare..." I must confess I was a pitiful sight, not at all a bold Christian filled with faith, shame on me. I know my husband just shook his head. When I asked him if there was anything we should do to prepare for unceartain times. He said yes, we should do what we're already doing, growing in the Word and pointing people to Jesus. Wise man. God's redirection of my heart was so amazing and gentle. I can't even believe how he reasured me. He brought so many things to my attention that redirected my gaze to his face. My mom shared with me a couple of her different devotional readings that just 'happened' to be for that day that spoke so clearly to my worries. One from Elizabeth Elliot said, "We cannot always or even often control events, but we can control how we respond to them. When things happen which dismay or appall, we ought to look to God for his meaning, remembering that He is not taken by surprise nor can his purposes be thwarted in the end. What God looks for is those who will worship Him. Our look of inquiring trust glorifies Him." Our trust in him during tough times will also provide the answer to those around us.
God also used an aquantance to point out Psalm 37 which he used powerfully in my heart. Psalm 37:7, 18-19, 28a "Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act... Day by day the Lord takes care of the innocent, and they will receive a reward that lasts forever. They will survive through hard times, even in famine they will have more than enough... For the Lord loves justice, and he will never abandon the godly." The entire chapter is an amazing promise to those of us who put our hope in God.
Another thing God used to bring my focus back to him was the song 'Revelation song'. Amazing, if you've never heard it you should track it down and listen. As I practiced it this week to sing in church this Sunday it stayed in my heart and became my desire. I want to see him on his throne "seated on his mercy seat...clothed in rainbows of living color, flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder"...I want to sing his praise "with all creation...filled with awestruck wonder" at the "only wise king"! I know that the book of Revelation is not the revelation of the end or world events, it's the revelation of Jesus. He should be our focus he's our answer.
Lastly this Sunday's sermon was a reminder that the end is coming, it has been ever since Jesus returned to heaven. It was another reminder that in light of the end we should be about the business Jesus left us with in the first place. Prayer, love, serving with our spiritual gifts. There is no value in human schemes or plans to prepare for the end. I know that. Why is it so easy to give in to fear? I suppose it's easy to want to protect my family in my own strength from all of life's hurts. But they're his anyway. I know we're destined for eternity.
I had such an amazingly precious time with Max tonight that finished of my week of renewed perspective. My mom used to 'walk us the the throne' when we were little. She would have us close our eyes and and describe the sights and sounds of a journey to the throne of God. The walk would lead us right up to the throne of God. She would leave us there in his presence. I drifted off to sleep many a night at the foot of God's throne. Tonight I walked Max to the throne. He loved it, his little heart opened up to God's presence. Words tumbled out as he shared his enthusiasm and belief. He truly longs to be in Jesus presence and he often expresses it. He wanted to know if we could go soon, he also wants to have his next birthday in heaven so he can invited Jesus and Peter! My son is destined for another country, a heavenly one. I have no greater comfort and can provide no greater security for him than that. Exhale. Thank you Jesus for such precious reminders.
I'm in a bible study that is covering the book of Revelations. Good book. Sometimes though, especially for a personality like me, it can be scary, intimidating, overwhelming. I left worrying, "Is the end near, will we be a cashless society soon, will I have to take a stand against 'the mark' soon, will my children be taken away, what should I do to prepare..." I must confess I was a pitiful sight, not at all a bold Christian filled with faith, shame on me. I know my husband just shook his head. When I asked him if there was anything we should do to prepare for unceartain times. He said yes, we should do what we're already doing, growing in the Word and pointing people to Jesus. Wise man. God's redirection of my heart was so amazing and gentle. I can't even believe how he reasured me. He brought so many things to my attention that redirected my gaze to his face. My mom shared with me a couple of her different devotional readings that just 'happened' to be for that day that spoke so clearly to my worries. One from Elizabeth Elliot said, "We cannot always or even often control events, but we can control how we respond to them. When things happen which dismay or appall, we ought to look to God for his meaning, remembering that He is not taken by surprise nor can his purposes be thwarted in the end. What God looks for is those who will worship Him. Our look of inquiring trust glorifies Him." Our trust in him during tough times will also provide the answer to those around us.
God also used an aquantance to point out Psalm 37 which he used powerfully in my heart. Psalm 37:7, 18-19, 28a "Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act... Day by day the Lord takes care of the innocent, and they will receive a reward that lasts forever. They will survive through hard times, even in famine they will have more than enough... For the Lord loves justice, and he will never abandon the godly." The entire chapter is an amazing promise to those of us who put our hope in God.
Another thing God used to bring my focus back to him was the song 'Revelation song'. Amazing, if you've never heard it you should track it down and listen. As I practiced it this week to sing in church this Sunday it stayed in my heart and became my desire. I want to see him on his throne "seated on his mercy seat...clothed in rainbows of living color, flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder"...I want to sing his praise "with all creation...filled with awestruck wonder" at the "only wise king"! I know that the book of Revelation is not the revelation of the end or world events, it's the revelation of Jesus. He should be our focus he's our answer.
Lastly this Sunday's sermon was a reminder that the end is coming, it has been ever since Jesus returned to heaven. It was another reminder that in light of the end we should be about the business Jesus left us with in the first place. Prayer, love, serving with our spiritual gifts. There is no value in human schemes or plans to prepare for the end. I know that. Why is it so easy to give in to fear? I suppose it's easy to want to protect my family in my own strength from all of life's hurts. But they're his anyway. I know we're destined for eternity.
I had such an amazingly precious time with Max tonight that finished of my week of renewed perspective. My mom used to 'walk us the the throne' when we were little. She would have us close our eyes and and describe the sights and sounds of a journey to the throne of God. The walk would lead us right up to the throne of God. She would leave us there in his presence. I drifted off to sleep many a night at the foot of God's throne. Tonight I walked Max to the throne. He loved it, his little heart opened up to God's presence. Words tumbled out as he shared his enthusiasm and belief. He truly longs to be in Jesus presence and he often expresses it. He wanted to know if we could go soon, he also wants to have his next birthday in heaven so he can invited Jesus and Peter! My son is destined for another country, a heavenly one. I have no greater comfort and can provide no greater security for him than that. Exhale. Thank you Jesus for such precious reminders.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Growth
So I turn 33 this month. Some of you reading this may think, "Oh to be 33 again, time flies..." or some of you may be thinking, "33, I didn't know she was that old, man, I hope I never turn 33..." Perspective is an amazing thing.
I have to say I loved my twenties. I was confident and sassy. (Probably too sassy.) Everything was black and white, I was a crusader, I had a whole big world to change (not to mention all the people in it). I learned my spiritual gifts are discernment and prophecy, and I was ready to use them. (If you were ever on the other end of one of those gifts, I'm sorry, I could be brutal.) In some ways it was exciting to learn how to put my gifting to use with the power of the Holy Spirit. God taught me a lot about boldness and truth. I experienced some amazing times of intimacy with God, my faith was stretched, fires were gone through, mountains climbed, it was exhilarating. I also grew relationally in amazing ways. I got married, had my first child, experienced transformation in my family of origin. Good stuff.
As much as I loved my twenties I have, so far, loved my thirties more. Not to knock what I experienced a decade ago but as I look back I shake my head. I knew so little. God has peeled off layers to my soul I didn't know I had. He has taken me deep within and confronted the junk I didn't even know was in there, or at least wasn't willing to acknowledge. The change may be imperceptible to some but to me it's huge.
I think the biggest thing He's done in me is to open my eyes to the real Beck. This year I've been confronted with my own neediness. I've come to realize my acute poverty without him. He's shown me to be the miserable wretch I am. I realize now that my vanity has driven decisions I've made, my anger bullies those I love, selfishness poisons my heart, betrayal is something I'm capable of, yuck. You know what though, that has no effect on how much he loves me, who knew! It may however, have an effect on how much you love me, I have no control over that though. I will say this, the revelation of my true self, broken and needy, has had a profound effect on how I love you. I find the intolerance, judgment, criticism I used to feel at the failure of others is evaporating. I have less to say about the hurts and habits, wounds and mistakes of others, because I don't really care to have mine pointed out. I know I'm a mess, happy for prayer and support, but not really a finger in my face and that's the least I can do for you.
Maybe this is something the rest of you learned a long time ago or maybe you just struggle in different areas, but for someone whose primary spiritual gifting is identifying, making known and calling for the repentance of sin it's huge for me. So, as God is ripping off my mask, has it had a huge impact on my weaknesses? Sadly it seems to have made the struggle even worse. But I think that's because now I see what my behavior should be, holy, and what it actually is and it grieves me. Another thing I've found is when I struggle with my attitude, selfish desires, anger, etc. I can identify a direct correlation to how much time I've spent in His word to me. The Bible has such amazing ability to come alive in our hearts, transforming our minds, draw us closer to Jesus. I knew the Bible did that, I've probably known it for twenty years, but somehow now I really get it.
Another thing I've learned about me, and if you know me well this comes as no surprise, I have an addictive personality. I guess some people just do, part of how the fallenness of this old world comes out in us. I used to be embarrassed by that and it's certainly not something that's easy to say or that I'm proud of. But as I've found such sweet acceptance and love from Jesus as he's pulled that old Beck mask off, not too much actually embarrasses me now. I used to think that Jesus would take away or help me to overcome that addictiveness. But now I realize that he redeems all things and can use even that. He is becoming my supreme addiction, I can't get enough. And I think that's the way it should be, only he satisfies anyway.
I'm sure in another decade as I leave my thirties and enter my forties (gulp) I'll look back and shake my head and say I knew so little. Which is okay because everything comes in it's time and builds on each other. I know that I'm where I'm supposed to be, learning what I'm supposed to learn, growing and changing the way I'm supposed to for right now. Now if only I can remember that tomorrow...
I have to say I loved my twenties. I was confident and sassy. (Probably too sassy.) Everything was black and white, I was a crusader, I had a whole big world to change (not to mention all the people in it). I learned my spiritual gifts are discernment and prophecy, and I was ready to use them. (If you were ever on the other end of one of those gifts, I'm sorry, I could be brutal.) In some ways it was exciting to learn how to put my gifting to use with the power of the Holy Spirit. God taught me a lot about boldness and truth. I experienced some amazing times of intimacy with God, my faith was stretched, fires were gone through, mountains climbed, it was exhilarating. I also grew relationally in amazing ways. I got married, had my first child, experienced transformation in my family of origin. Good stuff.
As much as I loved my twenties I have, so far, loved my thirties more. Not to knock what I experienced a decade ago but as I look back I shake my head. I knew so little. God has peeled off layers to my soul I didn't know I had. He has taken me deep within and confronted the junk I didn't even know was in there, or at least wasn't willing to acknowledge. The change may be imperceptible to some but to me it's huge.
I think the biggest thing He's done in me is to open my eyes to the real Beck. This year I've been confronted with my own neediness. I've come to realize my acute poverty without him. He's shown me to be the miserable wretch I am. I realize now that my vanity has driven decisions I've made, my anger bullies those I love, selfishness poisons my heart, betrayal is something I'm capable of, yuck. You know what though, that has no effect on how much he loves me, who knew! It may however, have an effect on how much you love me, I have no control over that though. I will say this, the revelation of my true self, broken and needy, has had a profound effect on how I love you. I find the intolerance, judgment, criticism I used to feel at the failure of others is evaporating. I have less to say about the hurts and habits, wounds and mistakes of others, because I don't really care to have mine pointed out. I know I'm a mess, happy for prayer and support, but not really a finger in my face and that's the least I can do for you.
Maybe this is something the rest of you learned a long time ago or maybe you just struggle in different areas, but for someone whose primary spiritual gifting is identifying, making known and calling for the repentance of sin it's huge for me. So, as God is ripping off my mask, has it had a huge impact on my weaknesses? Sadly it seems to have made the struggle even worse. But I think that's because now I see what my behavior should be, holy, and what it actually is and it grieves me. Another thing I've found is when I struggle with my attitude, selfish desires, anger, etc. I can identify a direct correlation to how much time I've spent in His word to me. The Bible has such amazing ability to come alive in our hearts, transforming our minds, draw us closer to Jesus. I knew the Bible did that, I've probably known it for twenty years, but somehow now I really get it.
Another thing I've learned about me, and if you know me well this comes as no surprise, I have an addictive personality. I guess some people just do, part of how the fallenness of this old world comes out in us. I used to be embarrassed by that and it's certainly not something that's easy to say or that I'm proud of. But as I've found such sweet acceptance and love from Jesus as he's pulled that old Beck mask off, not too much actually embarrasses me now. I used to think that Jesus would take away or help me to overcome that addictiveness. But now I realize that he redeems all things and can use even that. He is becoming my supreme addiction, I can't get enough. And I think that's the way it should be, only he satisfies anyway.
I'm sure in another decade as I leave my thirties and enter my forties (gulp) I'll look back and shake my head and say I knew so little. Which is okay because everything comes in it's time and builds on each other. I know that I'm where I'm supposed to be, learning what I'm supposed to learn, growing and changing the way I'm supposed to for right now. Now if only I can remember that tomorrow...
Saturday, June 6, 2009
The second leg of our journey...
It's been a long time since I've posted, our journey has finally come to an end. Here are a few pictures of our time with my family. I have lots more posted on facebook.
Maggie and Nana at our birthday tea party.
Papa and Maggie sporting their GA Tech colors.
Sally the chicken roosting in a tree in my parents yard. One night I was standing on the porch and noticed the branch of a tree moving, upon closer inspection it was Sally!
Nana having a tea party with the little girls, the tea set is from my mom for Maggie's birthday.
My sister, Stephanie, at the tea party celebrating hers and Maggie's birthdays.
My brother, Pete, teaching Max how to shoot a BB gun. Max thought that was very cool!
Max visiting his best buddy, Jacob, and his brother, James, in Kentucky.
After a great visit with Chris' family in Virginia he flew home and I went to stay with my family in Weaverville, NC for a week and a half. My sister, Stephanie, and her daughter, Willow, came from California. My brother and his wife, Kassie, live in Weaverville, so the whole family, minus a couple of husbands, was together. We had a great time in the mountains, these pictures are just a little taste of our time together. While I was in North Carolina, Max, Maggie and I, took the opportunity to visit our friends, the Myers, in Kentucky. Max and Jacob have been best buddies for the last two years and it was a great reunion. It was wonderful to reconnect with both of our families and good friends. Coming home is bitter-sweet. It's wonderful to be back in my home and I'm so looking forward to connecting again with friends here. At the same time I have no idea when I'll see those precious family members and friends again. It's an excercise in trust that God will watch over those relationships in the meantime.
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