Love, a chance to die

What is love? It's a chance to die. Anyone who says otherwise has slapped a sentimental emotion on top of love for self. Jesus leads the charge, sets the example, our older brother in love and death. Love isn't love unless it is consummated on the altar of sacrifice. 

Of course I didn't know this at twenty two, fourteen years ago. I was in love with the idea of love. Love was forged on the anvil of submission that first year of marriage. As a young bride I asked, "do I trust my husband enough to submit to him? Do I trust God enough to trust my husband?" Peace followed that first year of marriage as we learned to serve and submit to one another. 

Life never remains tranquil though. The rocks of disappointment, expectation, circumstances, and desire hide beneath the surface ready to shipwreck a marriage. Goodness knows over the last fourteen years there have been moments we've both stared into the abyss of despair and resentment. Amazingly, at the bottom of each of those pits stood a Priest and an altar. An invitation to die. Out of the ashes of our burnt wills has arisen the life of Jesus birthed in new love and commitment. My life for yours, until physical death parts us.

I'm not naive, even though our marriage is stronger and sweeter than ever, love will remain a journey strewn with altars. Here's to a life of death and a continual rebirth of love! Thank you Chris for dying to self and loving me daily.

This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:12-13

Today Chris and I celebrate our 14th anniversary of a united life in Jesus! I want to hear your story of love. What has God taught you as you have learned to love others?

Follow the Leader

Leadership is a hot topic these days. And for good reason. The spiritual law of leadership is important. Defined by the Trinity and effecting our social orders from family life, to government, church health to corporate success it's obvious that leadership matters.

There's a topic that I think needs equal attention however. How to be a good follower. Being a good follower is as important as being a good leader and can impact a leaders success. Interestingly enough I believe the life of Jesus teaches us a great deal about following the leader. Even leaders need to know how to be good followers because they are apt, in some areas of their lives, to not always be the leader.

In his time on earth Jesus had followers but he was also led. Jesus said that he came to do the will of the Father. (John 8:28) He was submissive and humble, not necessarily popular attributes, but important.

As a woman who is married to a pastor I've had an opportunity to contemplate this truth over the years from a variety of angles. Families and churches would be much healthier if leaders led and followers followed.

Here are just a few characteristics I believe a good follower exhibits:

Humility - those of us in a position of following need to be okay with not being the leader. Recognizing our submission to another's role helps define a healthy relationship. We all have equality in our value but we don't all have equality in our roles. We need to be okay with that. Leaders must leverage their power for the good of others and followers must respect authority without manipulating and undermining. Confident respect is healthy when followed through in submission.

Assume goodwill - unless otherwise proved operate under the assumption that your husband, pastor, father, or boss has motives of good. If it is proved  they don't find out why, don't chuck the relationship, work toward restoration and healing. Leaders need appropriate accountability and at times correction. However, I've found when we believe in a leader, pray for them, encourage them, and follow well, the need for intervention is lessened.

Participate - don't just sit back and watch the leader do all the work. Just because you "wouldn't do it that way" doesn't get you off the hook of taking ownership. Leaders can't be successful if those they are leading are passive. If you are a part of a family, church, organization, country the success of those organizations depend on your willing participation.

"Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account. Do this so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no benefit to you." Hebrews 13:17


So in a day when the conversation turns readily to leadership let's not forget to follow. Nothing promotes unity in a family or a church like when the balance of leadership and submission are in place. Have you struggled with a resentful or suspicious attitude toward the leaders in your life? Ask God to help you overcome it and instead be a blessing to them. Leaders lead better when their followers follow.

Five Minute Friday: See

It's time for Five Minute Friday, where we write for five minutes for the fun of it. Hop over the Gypsy Mama and join in. Today's topic; See.

Go:

Why is it that I don't have a problem looking hundreds of miles away into the faces of love starved children but I forget to turn and look at the face beside me?

I've memorized the scar under his chin where he fell as a child, the green of his eyes flecked with gold, how his hand is shorter than mine but stronger. I've known him for years, seen him until I could trace his face in my mind perfectly. And yet how often don't I see.

How regularly do I make sure I've loved his body but not hist heart; clean clothes, a meal, hug and I love you, but have I turned my eyes to see his real needs?

I forget that I'm the brave one not because I'm brave so much as because I'm headless. But he's not careless and I forget. Cautious, quiet, solemn and I forget what that means and that good and bad aren't the issue. 

It's a gift I hold in my power; to see him. Too often I'm careless and neglect to give the gift. But isn't that what we all want? To be seen and as a result be known.

Stop.

As wives it's easy to turn on auto pilot in our marriage and tend to the immediate needs of every day life. But I believe our husbands need more than a clean house and hot meal. They need us. Too often I'm forgetful of that. My gaze is turned to the pile of laundry, crying preschooler, ringing phone and the person dearest to me has to get in line and wait his turn for scraps. Truly seeing and, as a result, responding to our husband's hearts is a gift. Let's look for ways to see our husbands in a fresh light today, and let them know it!

Unity Matters ~ A Match Made in Heaven

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her  to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5:25-33

God has been teaching me about unity lately (I've written several posts on that topic in the last few months. You can read three of them here and here and here.) Lately, I've been pondering God's picture to us of unity in marriage. I'm compelled to probe God's call to be united to him and I'm intrigued by the "profound mystery" that he communicates to us about unity in marriage. Let me begin by telling a story:

Once upon a time a good man; a man of character and fortune, a man of excellent reputation and wisdom, a man of authority, of royalty, asked a common, shamed, foreign woman to marry him. Her response was an affectionate but flighty, “Yes. But only on my own terms, I want to keep my old habits, my own hours and friends, dirty up the mansion, remain unrefined and by the way keep a few boy friends on the side.” She was the worst kind of fool. He set his terms; an exclusive relationship. She refused. But he was patient; he overcame her fears and payed off her debts. Eventually she came to love him and realize the worth he was offering to her. She woke up from her stupor, realized her pitiful state, and embraced the love of her generous suitor, too thankful to be ashamed.

Will we embrace the proposal of such a groom as Jesus or in return for his gracious payment of our sin debt will we flaunt our sin and other lovers in his face? God offers his church transformation, to be made into a radiant bride. A commoner turned princess couldn't undergo a more complete makeover and yet so often we as people and churches insist on remaining a filthy tramp as long as we can get our hands on some of the good stuff like grace, mercy, forgiveness, and oh yeah, love. The problem is the bride is operating under a lie; mercy doesn't come without repentance, or grace without humility.

And the most shocking thing of all? The bride has missed out on the greatest of the wedding gifts, union. The Prince has offered to make her in every reality one with himself, sharing his title, his status, his power, authority and wealth in every way. He's willing to hand over the signet ring for her to use in his name. Love, mercy, and grace aren't an end in themselves they are a means to an end, they are the nature and method in which complete union takes place. But these are the terms; the tramp must transform into a princess. He's willing to pay for the transformation, but she has to agree to it.

God has, from the moment of creation, gifted us with the picture of unity through marriage. The image of a bride and her Husband has been painted from Genesis to Revelation. Understanding the significance of being united with God illuminates the high value of marriage, likewise the union of marriage points back to the gracious gift of Jesus' union with the church. God structured a man and woman's relationship with each other to best reflect his character to us.

Thankfully purity is not a prerequisite of our union with Jesus, but it is a hallmark of it. Jesus knows exactly who he is offering himself to be united to; sinners. He's not shocked and his love is not overwhelmed. He offers himself to make his chosen one pure. His blood, his own righteousness, is the purifying agent. Jesus draws his bride to himself and away from other lovers, making her holy, which essentially means set apart for his own purpose. But then, once she is clean and has accepted the terms of his marriage proposal, he expects purity. And he should, it's only fitting. 

Why is the picture of marriage so sacred? Because nothing on earth depicts the union of Jesus to his beloved bride, the church, like a husband and wife do. Unity is the crux of the gospel and I wonder if we regularly miss the significance of that. I know I have. At the heart of God, at the heart of humanity, at the heart of relationship, at the heart of the gospel, at the heart of the bible, at the heart of the New Heaven and the New Earth (our eternal home, Rev. 21) is unity. At the fall unity with God and each other was broken, at the cross it was restored, in heaven it's consummated. "He made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment —to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ." Ephesians 1:9-10

One day Jesus will sit down to feast with his bride at his wedding banquet. To have the Creator of the universe, the holy eternal God willingly offer to make us one with him is a scandalous grace. But he never said we could come on our terms, he expects full and total surrender. His love is a willingness to transform and redeem at a high cost to himself. His gift is generous beyond comprehension and available if we are willing to die to our own glory and live for his alone. What a joyful people we should be, united to our Beloved, loved beyond what we can even comprehend!

Let's consider how we can honor our marriages as the holy picture of divine unity that they are. Our hungry, fainting world needs the hope such truth can provide. 

A Healing Place

I don't often write about my husband, Chris, or our marriage on my blog, not because it isn't important in my life, quite the opposite. Because he is so important, however, I  want to honor him and I know he doesn't care for the spotlight. I've been thinking about marriage lately though and I have some observations I want to share.

I looked up the occurrence of the words marriage, husband, wife and healing in the bible to see if I was going in the right direction. I think I am. Perhaps I'm late arriving at the party and I'm just figuring out what everyone else has already known, if so I do apologize. Let me ask the question "What do you think the purpose of marriage is?" Probably not many of us would answer outright, marriage makes me happy. We'd probably try be more spiritual or mature and say something like, marriage is for partnership, it makes me a better person, to share a burden, to teach us about love, it makes life better etc. But even though we may say otherwise, I think we behave as if marriage is about making us happy, at least I'm going to confess that I do.

I think though, for Christians, marriage is about healing. The bible repeatedly draws the parallel between divine love and human love. Jesus came to heal; to heal our broken relationship with the Father, heal our spirits from the stain of sin, heal our minds from flawed thinking, heal our bodies from the curse of death. Ultimately that's the whole point, healing. What if marriage was a safe place for healing? What if marriage wasn't about how the other person made us feel, but how we allowed them the space and support to heal? Perhaps then we would be imitating Jesus' relationship with his bride.

It's taken me a long time to get this concept, sometimes I remember it and sometimes I don't, just ask Chris. Now that we've been married twelve years, I look back and I wish I had realized at the beginning, a healthy marriage is one that is consciously designed to be a place of healing. There's enough judgement from the rest of the world without our spouses pushing us to conform us to their ideal or shaming us into their preferred behavior. I admit I still have a ginormous amount to learn about offering Chris the freedom he needs to hear from and be parented by God, without my uninvited input and impatience but my support.

I look back at the early days of our marriage and I know a lot of growth has happened. I also know, since we live up close and personal, that there are still areas God wants to work on in Chris' life, I'm positive he's equally aware of similar areas in mine. Our spouses are all different, but one thing I've learned about my husband is that if I want to see who he really is, if I want to be invited into the intimacy of his heart, I must walk softly. Several years ago a mental image popped into my head. My husband is an introvert, he doesn't enjoy chaos or conflict, who does really. I had the picture of a timid rabbit in the woods, shy and quiet, if you sit down very still maybe the bunny will come out and nose around you and get comfortable but if you go singing and tromping through the forest all the woodland creatures scurry. Sometimes I call Chris my woodland creature to remind myself to act accordingly. I think to an extent that's true of all of us. Our hearts need a place of safety to unfurl and blossom.

I wrote in my previous post about Jennifer, my friend with Down syndrome, and how God had allowed me to see her beauty, but only because I was looking. I think that applies in marriage. We are all undergoing a transformation, but some spouses, due to trauma, need heart surgery and marriage is like a triage. No matter where we are in the process in each spouse is beauty to be seen, but only if we walk softly and look. Is your husband stressed and snappish, walk softly and look for the beauty. Does your wife struggle with an addiction in an attempt to find her self worth, use quiet words and look for beauty. Is your spouse stuck in a broken means of coping with past wounds, which only causes more pain, use the gentle hands of Jesus and look for beauty. I'm not saying it's easy, living in close quarters with another person's pain, weaknesses, sin is messy but that's why we need to have new eyes to see what the purpose of marriage really is. Marriage is not ultimately for our comfort although we certainly can have comfort in companionship, it's not just for pleasure although there is often greater joy shared with our spouse than anyone else, it's not only for safety although protection from the harshness of life can be found in marriage. Ultimately marriage is a microcosm of the love of Jesus for his people, the people he bled for, the people he prays for, people who will ultimately be healed and made completely whole by his care. And that, I believe, is the right expectation of marriage, to foster an environment in which our spouse meets Jesus, in us, on their journey to being made whole, sanctified, pure and holy. Big words I know, now I need to learn how to live them.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13

These verses were most certainly written for the church to understand how to love one another, no doubt they may be applied to marriage as well. For what purpose is this kind of love, other than a partnership with Jesus in another person's journey, to bring about good, healing, life. What a profound privilege and daunting responsibility. God is brutally serious about marriage, because it's a mirror image of his heart, it tells how he faithfully loves us from death to life.

I'd love to hear from you. Do you agree or think I'm off base? How has God taught you about his nature through your marriage?

Celebration

I recently went home to celebrate my parents 40th wedding anniversary. We had a wonderful, mountain celebration with friends and family, bluegrass and barbecue, corn-hole and cider.

My Mom and Dad's story is the story of Cinderella and Prince Charming. But not like you think. It's the same as all of ours, the ancient story of redemption by our true Husband and Creator. The pursuit of the lost beloved by the true Lover. We all have challenges in our lives and only our Savior can redeem those stories of sadness and pain and turn them in to stories of glory to God. Their 40th anniversary celebrated such redemption. Friends and family have witnessed intimately or from a distance the journey of transformation my parents have been on. It's been a journey of death to self, forgiveness, learning to live in love, faith, trust and reconciliation. God loves to reconcile himself to us, as well as to each other. Their anniversary party was a celebration of God because he's the reason for celebrating, he makes all things new. Mom and Dad may have started out as Cinderella, but God is creating royalty. Their whole story isn't mine to tell, but God's mercy is and my parents are an example of the mercy God is constantly extending to all of us. He doesn't discard broken people (and we all are) he restores them. I'm thankful for my parents faithfulness to God and to each other in the hard times and the pleasant. Their example of yielding to the Holy Spirit, even and especially when it's painful, is an encouragement. I'm thankful for you both!


Isaiah 54:5 "For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth."

1 Peter 1:18-19, "For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect."

Faithfulness

It's hard to believe that this week marks ten years of marriage for Chris and me. I remember as a newlywed thinking forward to mile stone anniversaries and imagining what they would hold. I must confess I didn't anticipate Cody Wyoming and two children. As a young bride, moving to far off Pennsylvania a couple of months after we were married, I didn't expected to live in the South but I sure hadn't imagined living in the 'Wild West'. After a couple of years of marriage we hadn't planned on adding to our family either, content to enjoy each other and work together. However, God had other plans and surprised us with Max. What a happy change of plans that was. Then we decided he was not a good candidate for being an only child and I got my girl!

I suppose if the Greek Deli had been wildly successful or we hadn't been surprised with the blessing of children our tenth anniversary may have held more elaborate plans for celebration. I must confess I had envisioned a Caribbean cruise or diamonds. Or maybe something out of the ordinary like a performance of Circe de sole or a Broadway musical. But it was not to be. As I've thought about it though I can't help but imagine. The world says embrace glamor, gluttony, excess but that's against the Bible's standard of simplicity, servanthood and contentment. Our tenth anniversary may not hold a cruise or even an overnight trip to Yellowstone, but it does represent a celebration of ten years of faithfulness.

That faithfulness is rooted in a relationship built on Christ and morality and honor. Years ago a sixteen year old girl made her parents and God a promise to wait for God's best. Years ago a young man honored and held that girl to her promise. The road has had many bumps and twists but they've all been endured together. Our relationship isn't flashy or exciting. Sometimes it even feels a little faded and worn. But most importantly, especially in this generation, it has endured. In a world that assaults faithfulness I feel that is an accomplishment. And now that ten years have passed I know not to take that faithfulness for granted but to cherish and preserve it. I know the next ten and then twenty and however many more years can only be reached by careful prayer and dedication. I love Chris but there are days the 'feelings' are just not enough, it takes more than that. It takes commitment, investment, sacrifice; it takes faithfulness. And in that faithfulness is comfort, safety, belonging.

In this season of life God is teaching me about faithfulness. I'm learning that we as Americans don't have a propensity for faithfulness. We see very few things through to the end, we move and shift and rotate in and out at a dizzying speed. Yielding to the Spirit's transformation over a life time is daunting. Committing to a church for the long haul is inconvenient. Enduring hardship, persevering through tough relationships, seeing a project through to the end, it's all more than we're accustomed to. We want microwave Christianity. I want instant results. But God is teaching me the way to transformation, obedience, a strong marriage, healthy relationships, fulfilling prayer life, vibrant church, Godly children is through faithfulness. And He, thankfully, sets the example.