Mercy Looking Backward ~ Forgiveness

A while back I prayed a prayer to understand God's heart, which plunged me into a season of discovering mercy. Most recently God has been teaching me about forgiveness and it's connection to a merciful life. What is forgiveness other than Mercy looking backward, taking root and painting the past in new shades? Mercy is forgiveness swallowing up what has been.

It's impossible to pray to understand mercy, ask to love it, to be a partner to it, without mercy calling at our own front door. I suppose initially I had assumed mercy was for those people over there, not realizing God would call me to a higher standard of living out mercy right at home. I'm learning to be careful what I pray for, it will always be a longer journey and require more participation on my part than I had bargained for!

We're meant to embrace mercy in the present, by living with a heart not easily offended. But for the times we pick up an offense there's forgiveness, an opportunity to extended the mercy we didn't in the present. I know people struggle with forgiveness so often, I have. But I wonder if that's because we don't understand the power, the need, the design for us to live in mercy. Whenever I struggle with living in mercy I remember these verses:

Moses responded, "Then show me your glorious presence."  

The Lord replied, “I will make all my goodness pass before you, and I will call out my name, Yahweh, before you. For I will show mercy to anyone I choose, and I will show compassion to anyone I choose. Exodus 33:18-19

I'm always amazed at how God revealed himself when Moses asked to see his glory. God could have displayed his holiness, his creativity, his righteousness, power, or justice, but instead it was his goodness, his mercy, and his compassion that he revealed. What does that say about God, who he is, what he values, and how he relates to us?

If mercy is who God is and how he responds to man, isn't that how we should respond to one another? No one can offend us more than we have offended God. When we are aware of the mercy we've received we are happy to give mercy to others.

If you're struggling to forgive someone it may help to realize that forgiveness is God's second chance to get mercy right, to extend mercy backward.

Can I pray for us? Father, by the power of your Spirit will you work the wonder of your mercy into our hearts. That we will live as people with hearts not easily offended, and when they are help us to look back over our shoulder with forgiveness. Set us free from the selfish motives we stoop to, when we make others pay for an offense, and release us to accept the payment of your Son on behalf of others. Amen.

How Much is too Much?

I wrote this post in January 2012. Little did I know that in less than a year I would be traveling to Serbia to touch the children God was just beginning to burden my heart with. My ears were beginning to pick up the whispers of adoptive love God was speaking, I was stirring with anticipation, full of questions. How could I know that it wouldn't just be one child, but many that would capture my heart and motivate me to action. Last year I pondered adoption and loving the needy, this year a ministry to those children is being birthed. God's plan is more stunning than I could have imagined! In 2013 I can only imagine what God holds in store!

Me and a new friend, Dom Veternik, Serbia

Is the cost of adoption really worth it? Lets face it, perhaps more people would adopt if the path of adoption wasn't so grueling. The financial cost alone is enough of a deterrent. An international adoption can be as much as some family's income for the year, reaching twenty five, thirty, even forty thousand dollars. It takes my breath away.

But the cost must be counted far beyond the financial aspect. Traveling across the globe and spending, in some cases, weeks in a foreign country away from family can be intimidating. Far from a sight seeing trip, it's an emotional journey, a heart quest. The red tape must be sliced through, the stacks of paperwork completed, the process is an investment.

Then there are the questions that beg to be answered. What risks are involved? Will there be unseen medical costs when the child comes home? Will the family adjust well, how will the other children transition? How hard will it be to bond with a child that may not even speak our language? Will we involve birth parents and how will that work? The questions and what ifs could fill a book.

Why should we as believers invest in the cause of the orphan? What makes it worth it? Is the cost too great to expect us to become personally involved?

I must admit that in the past not only was I unable to consider rescuing an orphan internationally, I couldn't even look their situation full in the face. Just to identify their pain, to witness at times their sub-standard living conditions cost more than I was willing to pay. But that's beginning to change for me.

In the Old Testament God established laws that provided for the fatherless, widowed and foreigners. With the obedience of these laws came his blessing. In Psalms God describes himself as the helper and defender of the fatherless. He clearly asks his followers to provide care to the poor, helpless and needy of the world. (Ps. 68:5-6, Duet. 10:18, Duet. 24:17-18)

More than recognizing his expectation of action on my part, it's the recognition of action on his that has changed me. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves." Ephesians 1:3-6

Do you hear the joy of those verses? It brings him pleasure to purchase us as his own. And it should make our hearts rejoice to recall what we once were and what we've now become, from enemies to sons.

But I'm always amazed to recognize the cost that was counted "before the creation of the world" for our adoption. It wasn't overseas travel, although Jesus did leave his glorious throne and humble himself to an earthly life. Financial resources weren't an issue in our adoption, oh no, it was life blood that bought our sonship. I doubt God asked questions like, will my adopted child adjust to my family, will they have residual expenses or discipline issues, will they get along with my other children, will they bond with me. He already knew the answer to those questions.

Is adoption worth the cost? Ask God, he knows, he can tell you from his own experience. As costly as adoption may be, I guarantee no adoption will cost us what it cost him. It's normal to be intimidated by such a huge undertaking and wise to evaluate the situation with prayer and trusted advisers. I myself, while at times overwhelmed, am excited to press in and understand my own adoption better. I'm eager to know the heart of my Father as he reflects his redeeming love through me. And I have no doubt that as his adopted children commit to adopt the broken and lonely of the world, he will provide the resources. After all he's already provided his own son how could he do any less.

Blue Eyed Boy

His blonde hair had been stroked by a mother, once. That was before the virus had come and stripped his body of it's memory. After the meningitis had had it's way with his brain it then stripped him of what was left; relationship, hope, a future.

The burden of his care had reduced him to the status of orphan. I wonder if his mother cried when he was taken to the institution. Did she go with him and watch as he was placed into the white metal crib that is now the extent of his world? I hope she didn't.

His innocent blue eyes still hold hope, lighting up whenever anyone gets close enough to notice. Little hands reach out through bars, grasping, looking for what's been lost.

He had five healthy years before the sentence fell. His body is still flexible, able to sit with supportive hands, able to reach. Unlike some of the others on his floor. 

They could tell stories, if they could speak. Once they could move and smile, but slowly, over time, they've turned to wood. Like real boys gone unloved turning back into the block of wood they came from. But this isn't a fairy tale, no good fairy coming to break the spell, just day after day of the same bars.

Of course there is one nurse, Lubitza, meaning violet, maybe she is a bit of a fairy, singing and kissing as she tends to needs. But the hands are so few and the needs so great it's not enough to stem the tide, not enough to make up for what was lost.

Blue eyed boy with the golden smile. I'll hope with you for a while and pray this isn't the end of your story. The saddest thing is, I can't remember his name. It bothers me that I can't.  Just one of hundreds of little lives, all who deserve hearing. I think the least we can do is lean in close and listen.

My husband would say I'm obsessed. I have to confess, he's right. I also have to confess, I don't care. I would rather be obsessed with redemption than anything else I can think of. What else is adoption, seeking out the lonely, praying for restoration, than redemption at a human level?

I'm messy at it, and I'm okay with that too.

How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God! For this reason Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance. Hebrews 9:14-15a

Will you join in praying with me for this little one? That God will set him in a family and restore his hope. If you want to know how you can be a part of helping the residents of Dom Veternik please feel free to contact me.

{Update: I returned this summer to the mental institution, Dom Veternik, where blue eyed boy lives. I learned his name is Cedo. He is not available for adoption because his parents still have custody of him. They are unable to care for him due to financial limitations and poor social infrastructure for people with disability.}

Retreat - Reflections by Joan

Today I'm pleased to have my blog friend Joan share some thoughts with you. You can read more words of encouragement at her blog "Reflections" where she writes about the beauty of God all around her.

Last summer, three friends and I planned a long weekend away from home for a writer’s retreat. We had all been to workshops and conferences, but for this event, we had no agenda, no speakers, and no program—we just wanted to write. We wanted a cabin in the woods with nearby walking trails, a kitchen where we could prepare meals and a place large enough that we could still have our own space.

God answered our prayers by providing a beautiful cabin in the Kiamichi Mountains of Southeastern Oklahoma. It had everything we wanted, including a wrap-around porch with a beautiful view and the promise of seeing wildlife. I was particularly excited about this so that I could indulge in another favorite activity, photography. However, the main purpose of the weekend was writing and I was certain that I would come away with several ideas for blog posts, articles, and maybe even the beginnings of a novel. At least, that’s what I thought…

Instead, God had other ideas. After we settled in, we all went to different areas of the cabin and began to write. Keyboards rapidly clicked as my friends worked on their current projects. I stared at a blank computer screen—no matter how hard I tried, no ideas would come forth.

I arose early the following morning and went outdoors with my Bible and laptop, hoping the Lord would put something on my heart. I prayed and read scripture, but still I had no words.

The second morning, I again sought the Lord. I’m sure you wanted me to come here. You answered our prayers for the perfect place. You provided the resources for me to come. Why then, am I without words to write? It was then I felt Him whisper to me, “This weekend has not been in vain. There will be fruit come from it.”

One of the definitions of retreat is a place of refuge, seclusion, or privacy. I thought my retreat would be one that produced many writings for His glory. God, in His infinite wisdom, knew instead that I needed to take refuge in Him. Rather than me pouring out for Him, I needed Him to pour into me, to fill me, to refresh and restore me.

We make plans, we have desires, and we have dreams. Many times we don’t understand why, when we are doing things for Jesus, that God delays or even stops our plans. I believe that often we go about the “busyness” of serving Him and forget about our personal relationship with Christ. There are times when He has to slow us down, so that we will take refuge in Him.

The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. (Deuteronomy 33:27a, NIV 1984) 

Has there been a time in your life God interrupted your plans with his own to refresh your soul?

Tangled Hearts

Re-post from August 14, 2009

Broken tangled heap, barbed, rusty mess. Useless. Hearts lying in disrepair, hidden, hurting. Encountering people, children who are broken, tangled, messy challenges me. Little ones, barefoot, soiled, wasted by loved ones, by the world. I don't understand. I don't like brushing up against poverty, I resent ignorance. I like things neat and useful. I like people I can understand. Nice, clean, tidy people. I like to pretend I am one...

Jesus' eyes pierce, reveal, hold answers. He's not put off by messy. Thank heaven. He delights in challenge, chance to show his power, time for glory. I straighten, tuck, clean the rooms of my heart. Puff of wind and the card house falls. Eyes raise, meeting his. Questions forgotten, answers found in his face, The Answer, The Face. Hopeless people, scary people, secrets locked in wounded hearts. I see broken mess, cast aside and useless, he sees... he sees... Promise.Mess made straight. Promise of wounds healed, chains loosed. Freedom. Do I hope in the promise? Find comfort in the promise? Extend the promise? To me, to others? Oh, God help me. I want to see beauty behind angry eyes. I want to see fear turn to love right before me. Reaching out to take a marred, quivering world by the hand scares me. Turn my fears into bold belief, Heart Tamer. "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

Do you believe the promise for you, for the broken others?

A Healing Place

I don't often write about my husband, Chris, or our marriage on my blog, not because it isn't important in my life, quite the opposite. Because he is so important, however, I  want to honor him and I know he doesn't care for the spotlight. I've been thinking about marriage lately though and I have some observations I want to share.

I looked up the occurrence of the words marriage, husband, wife and healing in the bible to see if I was going in the right direction. I think I am. Perhaps I'm late arriving at the party and I'm just figuring out what everyone else has already known, if so I do apologize. Let me ask the question "What do you think the purpose of marriage is?" Probably not many of us would answer outright, marriage makes me happy. We'd probably try be more spiritual or mature and say something like, marriage is for partnership, it makes me a better person, to share a burden, to teach us about love, it makes life better etc. But even though we may say otherwise, I think we behave as if marriage is about making us happy, at least I'm going to confess that I do.

I think though, for Christians, marriage is about healing. The bible repeatedly draws the parallel between divine love and human love. Jesus came to heal; to heal our broken relationship with the Father, heal our spirits from the stain of sin, heal our minds from flawed thinking, heal our bodies from the curse of death. Ultimately that's the whole point, healing. What if marriage was a safe place for healing? What if marriage wasn't about how the other person made us feel, but how we allowed them the space and support to heal? Perhaps then we would be imitating Jesus' relationship with his bride.

It's taken me a long time to get this concept, sometimes I remember it and sometimes I don't, just ask Chris. Now that we've been married twelve years, I look back and I wish I had realized at the beginning, a healthy marriage is one that is consciously designed to be a place of healing. There's enough judgement from the rest of the world without our spouses pushing us to conform us to their ideal or shaming us into their preferred behavior. I admit I still have a ginormous amount to learn about offering Chris the freedom he needs to hear from and be parented by God, without my uninvited input and impatience but my support.

I look back at the early days of our marriage and I know a lot of growth has happened. I also know, since we live up close and personal, that there are still areas God wants to work on in Chris' life, I'm positive he's equally aware of similar areas in mine. Our spouses are all different, but one thing I've learned about my husband is that if I want to see who he really is, if I want to be invited into the intimacy of his heart, I must walk softly. Several years ago a mental image popped into my head. My husband is an introvert, he doesn't enjoy chaos or conflict, who does really. I had the picture of a timid rabbit in the woods, shy and quiet, if you sit down very still maybe the bunny will come out and nose around you and get comfortable but if you go singing and tromping through the forest all the woodland creatures scurry. Sometimes I call Chris my woodland creature to remind myself to act accordingly. I think to an extent that's true of all of us. Our hearts need a place of safety to unfurl and blossom.

I wrote in my previous post about Jennifer, my friend with Down syndrome, and how God had allowed me to see her beauty, but only because I was looking. I think that applies in marriage. We are all undergoing a transformation, but some spouses, due to trauma, need heart surgery and marriage is like a triage. No matter where we are in the process in each spouse is beauty to be seen, but only if we walk softly and look. Is your husband stressed and snappish, walk softly and look for the beauty. Does your wife struggle with an addiction in an attempt to find her self worth, use quiet words and look for beauty. Is your spouse stuck in a broken means of coping with past wounds, which only causes more pain, use the gentle hands of Jesus and look for beauty. I'm not saying it's easy, living in close quarters with another person's pain, weaknesses, sin is messy but that's why we need to have new eyes to see what the purpose of marriage really is. Marriage is not ultimately for our comfort although we certainly can have comfort in companionship, it's not just for pleasure although there is often greater joy shared with our spouse than anyone else, it's not only for safety although protection from the harshness of life can be found in marriage. Ultimately marriage is a microcosm of the love of Jesus for his people, the people he bled for, the people he prays for, people who will ultimately be healed and made completely whole by his care. And that, I believe, is the right expectation of marriage, to foster an environment in which our spouse meets Jesus, in us, on their journey to being made whole, sanctified, pure and holy. Big words I know, now I need to learn how to live them.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13

These verses were most certainly written for the church to understand how to love one another, no doubt they may be applied to marriage as well. For what purpose is this kind of love, other than a partnership with Jesus in another person's journey, to bring about good, healing, life. What a profound privilege and daunting responsibility. God is brutally serious about marriage, because it's a mirror image of his heart, it tells how he faithfully loves us from death to life.

I'd love to hear from you. Do you agree or think I'm off base? How has God taught you about his nature through your marriage?

Tangled

Broken tangled heap, barbed, rusty mess. Useless. Hearts lying in disrepair, hidden, hurting. Encountering people, children who are broken, tangled, messy challenges me. Little ones, barefoot, soiled, wasted by loved ones, by the world. I don't understand. I don't like brushing up against poverty, I resent ignorance. I like things neat and useful. I like people I can understand. Nice, clean, tidy people. I like to pretend I am one...

Jesus' eyes pierce, reveal, hold answers. He's not put off by messy. Thank heaven. He delights in challenge, chance to show his power, time for glory. I straighten, tuck, clean the rooms of my heart. Puff of wind and the card house falls. Eyes raise, meeting his. Questions forgotten, answers found in his face, The Answer, The Face. Hopeless people, scary people, secrets locked in wounded hearts. I see broken mess, cast aside and useless he sees... he sees... I don't know, I can't understand. Promise.Mess made straight. Promise of wounds healed, chains loosed. Freedom. Do I hope in the promise? Find comfort in the promise? Extend the promise? To me, to others? Oh, God help me. I want to see beauty behind angry eyes. I want to see fear turn to love right before me. Reaching out to take a marred, quivering world by the hand scares me. Turn my fears into bold belief, Heart Tamer. "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."

Just Thinking

Recently in my personal bible study God has been reshaping some of my preconceived ideas. I used to think that the sin and fall of man was an accident, God' plan B. I thought he created Adam and Eve and all their offspring to live in the perfect, untainted garden forever. Unbroken communion, unhindered access with the Creator. No need for forgiveness, confession, regeneration, rescue. I thought that the purpose after the fall of man in redemption was to restore things to the way they were, because he hadn't intended the garden to be altered in the first place.

I don't think that anymore. I don't think God's original intent was the garden. I think his plan all along was redemption. Without the need for rescue how could we fully experience the depths of God's love. A person with no need of mercy, grace, forgiveness, repentance, redemption cannot experience those qualities. How could a forgiving God express forgiveness to people with no need. I believe before we were even created God's intent was a rescue mission. (1 Peter 1:18-20, "For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake.") I don't think Jesus coming again will re-establish the garden. I believe it will be infinitely better. We will be a people once broken now made whole. A bride once dirty now clean. The friendless in perfect intimacy. Grateful. Restored. Worshiping.

I wouldn't have made a perfect world that could be marred. I would have been content with the garden. But that's because I'm not God. He had so much more to show us than could be contained in a perfect setting. He is not a God to be boxed in by man's wisdom. I don't understand why the risk of so much suffering and evil was worth the cost to God. I can only imagine that it best served his purposes to display his glory, which is the most important thing of all. His glory is our purpose and living for it is the only thing that satisfies.