Finding Purpose in Pain

Over the last several months I've wrestled with the concepts of suffering and healing, pain and deliverance in ways I never have before. The struggle is nothing new to the human experience.

An authentic balance between the hope I hang my life on and the ache of a wounded world is emerging. The supernatural as it collides with the material can be raw. The diagnosis of my mom with cancer, and walking among the forgotten of a Serbian mental institution, has fleshed out what I believe in deeper ways.

I have no issue with miracles. I don't doubt the parting of the red sea, feeding of the 5,000, healing of many diseased people, and ultimately the resurrection of a dead Man who was also divine. I figure if I can believe that Jesus is who he said and did what is recorded then anything's up for grabs.

But that's just my problem, anything does seem to be up for grabs. It's a fixation and fascination with the "manifestation" of God's power that sets me on edge. I've believed for a long time that we can expect God to move geography around to suit his needs, to do whatever he wants with the flesh he designed and created. It's all his, atoms have no will, he holds it all together anyway.

If you want to get me really excited and raucous then tell me of a heart that was dead but has come to life with the breath of heaven pumping in it's veins. A will that's been bent to Jesus,' a rebel turned family member, that is truly a mystery I can never get enough of!

But the hunger I see around me for miraculous signs causes me to pause. I distrust a pursuit of healing and a longing for a supernatural display. God rebuked the religious people of his day for asking for a sign when they had the very presence of God in their midst wrapped in flesh. They were looking for wonders and missing the Wonderful One. Jesus wearied of the thrill seekers looking for another meal and miracle. He questioned when they would allow what he had done to open their eyes to who he was. (Matthew 8)

I used to pursue the sensational. I was hard on another person's perceived lack of faith because of that thrill seeking mindset. If the room didn't shake or rushing wind fill the building or people get healed I questioned the power and presence of God. But as I've prayed and studied and lived I believe the supreme miracle that God performs for us, the one that takes the most faith and cooperation on our part, is for him to take a selfish heart and gently bend it to his will and likeness. For him to take a handful of individually redeemed human hearts and knit them together into one living, breathing, walking, talking, united body that longs more for his presence than for his gifts. Those are some mighty miracles.

In the midst of sorrow I've wondered if God would rather hear a child say "I want what you want and I don't want to miss you in this pain," than a bold declaration of faith insisting an illness be removed. I'm not saying we shouldn't pray for healing ever. The bible clearly directs us to pray for all things and that healing is a gift he offers to his children. But the bible also talks about suffering that produces dependence on God and a soft heart that is useful.

The bottom line is I want God more than I want to be safe or comfortable.

Which is what I think he longs for  us to desire. Instead of automatically assuming God wants to heal or remove us from a painful situation by supernatural means, let's ask him. He will tell us. There are times I've been led to pray for healing but more often than not I've been led to pray that God will make his presence known in the suffering, and that his purpose would be accomplished.

I'm uncomfortable assuming God's intention beyond knowing that he is good, I am loved, and it's all about his glory. I want to keep my heart soft and open. If God chooses to reveal his presence in supernatural, visible ways I welcome it. If he chooses to sustain me and meet me in the every day I welcome that as well. The point is I want Jesus. 

A.B. Simpson wrote,
"Once it was the blessing, Now it is the Lord;
Once it was the feeling, Now it is His Word.
Once His gifts I wanted, Now the Giver own;
Once I sought for healing, Now Himself alone.

I want my desire to be for him in whatever he chooses. I find myself in a way indifferent to healing. Not because I don't believe God can heal but because I believe as we seek him we will find himself, the Great Prize. His very presence is a balm and a healing. In the midst of cancer, for the blonde haired orphan I love, Jesus is enough. I rest in that, knowing he will give exactly what we need for our good and his glory.

Are you experiencing pain or suffering right now? I pray and trust that the immense love of Jesus will take that heartache and work in it something beautiful that will leave you more in love with him than before.

It would be my pleasure to pray with you in that hard place! Please leave a comment below or send me an email.

The Move

Okay here goes my attempt at an overview of the last couple of weeks. We pulled out of Cody on Saturday, April 2. The process of moving is never any fun and this was no exception. The truck and our household possessions unfortunately weren't exactly compatible. We traveled with a relatively light load, some of it strapped to the car carrier! Oh yeah.

Chris' parents graciously drove to Cody to make the cross country trip with us. It was great to have help with the kids and driving. It took us four looooong days to make the trip. The wind was a problem for a lot of the way and slowed us down. There were some really late nights and tired mornings. All things considered the kids did well and other than being tired the trip didn't have any real problems.
We did do a very little sight seeing along the way. We stopped at Mount Rushmore and Wall drug in South Dakota. By the last day, Tuesday, we were all really done with driving and it was good to get where we were going. Wednesday we unloaded the truck and said goodbye to Chris' parents. Max and Maggie were excited to be at Uncle Mike and Aunt Terry's house and have connected with them very quickly.

Max started school on the follow Tuesday April 12, it was Shoreland Elementary's spring break when we got here. He has done well adapting and seems to have enjoyed these last two days in his new class. He already has made a couple of new friends. Maggie has enjoyed spending time with Mike and Terry's grandson Caleb and she's content and happy in her new home.

Max on his first day of school at Shoreland Elementary

Maggie and Caleb 'washing dishes'

Sadly not long after we got here my cousin Beau, who had been fighting cancer for some time, passed away. He and his family are a beautiful testimony of faith, but I know it's a terribly painful time for all of them. I was sorry not to be able to make the funeral but felt I should stay and get Max settled in school.

Unfortunately in the last week or so the un-diagnosed illness I've been struggling with has raised it's ugly head. After a couple of long days of driving and lack of rest I started to experience a return of the symptoms I have experienced over the last couple of years. I think it was triggered by stress, fatigue and the warmer temperatures we've had in Toledo. I'm hoping to make an appointment soon with a neurologist here in Toledo to perhaps pinpoint a diagnoses.

Overall we are so thankful for God's protection and provision in the last weeks. We are blessed to be loved, fed, cared for, sheltered, protected, etc. The next few weeks will be a time of enjoying old and new friends, as well as searching out what God has for us. Chris will attend the Alliance general council and seek to make possible job contacts there. I have no doubt that God has good planned for our future and he knows already what that looks like.

Max at the play ground in our neighborhood

We would appreciate continued prayer as we seek God's plan for us in the coming weeks and for my health as we seek answers.

Maggie in her pink cowgirl boots

Healing

Jesus asked people, "Which is easier: to say to the paralytic, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up, take your mat and walk'? But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins . . ." He said to the paralytic, "I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home."" Mark 2:9-12

So I ask you which is the bigger miracle, the greater display of God's authority? That he can tame the sea he created or heal eyes he made or turn water into wine or that he can control hearts that have become rebellious. Of all the things he has made only the heart has a will of it's own. Why shouldn't he command his creation's obedience, Colossians 1 says he holds all things together. But a heart, healing a heart is an unfathomable miracle, it's the real miracle.

Don't expect a miraculous story of healing in my life right now. I believe I have a different story to tell. The Bible is full of testimonies of God's healing power, and people who received that gift. But the Bible also tells other stories, perhaps less exciting to us, but just as important. 2 Corinthians 12:7-9 says, "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." I don't know what Paul's weakness was; physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. But I do know it was for God's greatness to be displayed.

In the passages from Mark and 2 Corinthians God's display of healing power and the withholding of his healing were both displays of his authority to point to his sufficiency and glory. Both are right. I love in Mark how Jesus says so that you may know that I have authority to forgive sins, be healed. The more important healing is the heart. He came to heal our hearts now totally and completely. Jesus' focus on earth was spiritual wholeness and freedom. He didn't heal everyone physically. Not everyone in the old and new testaments experienced immediate healing, not even Job. God allowed Job to experience the fullness of loss before he restored him. In the midst of pain and suffering Job had no guarantee of healing. And the truth is the Bible doesn't say specifically that we as believers can expect full healing now. But it does say that everyone that asks can expect a healed heart. Over and over the Bible talks about the passion God has for restoring us, Jesus wasn't sent to earth to heal all of our illnesses but he was sent to reconcile all of mankind to himself.

Romans 8:18-21, "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." I believe that the Holy Spirit is the deposit of the things to come. I'm whole in Christ but the full revealing of our complete restoration as God's children hasn't come to pass yet. But it will! That will be the time of the complete and eternal healing of all things.

As you can tell I've been pondering healing quite a bit lately. Partly because I've run up against people's expectations that if I have faith God will heal me. I'm convinced however that healing isn't as simple as that, life isn't as simple as that. I join with Paul in saying, "therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me". I believe my story is one of submission, yielding and Christ's sustaining power. I believe my wholeness has been purchased and is complete but I live in a temporal world and I haven't seen it's fullness yet, but it is no less a reality. One day I will be revealed as I really am completely whole body, mind and spirit. But not today. Even if I was healed here on earth would this body not still die, I can never have the complete healing I long for here. Romans 8:23-25, "we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." This passage goes on to say that the Spirit intercedes for us in accordance with God's will even when we don't know how to pray. I believe God's Spirit has told me how to pray in this season of my life, that his grace will be sufficient and that my life will display his glory. And that's how I pray nothing more or less.

Who am I?

The healing or the Healer, the blessing or the Blessed, the love or the Lover, the power or the Almighty, the promise or the Faithful one? Which do you desire, which do I? Would I like to be free of pain and sorrow, struggle and effort, homesickness and fatigue? Silly question I know, of course I would, that's why I'm longing for a better home, a promised land. On this side of eternity though, I have my sights set on something more than things. I used to long for blessing, now I long for Him. I don't feel good, as we speak my feet feel like they're going to sleep and my face and hands feel like they're on fire, I'm not sleeping well, I'm tired and I ache. It would be easy to long for healing, demand it, beg for it, stomp my childish foot and ask why oh why don't I have it. But I won't, do you hear that Adversary, I won't! I won't focus all of my prayers and energy on a body that's destined for the grave, not when I have souls that are destined for eternity to pray for and love. I open my heart and my hands and I say Jesus whatever comes from you I trust, use it for your glory and your good. If it's healing I'll humbly say thank you, bless your name, and I'll tell everyone how gracious you are and I'll enjoy the gift of health. And if it's your grace sufficient for my weakness, I'll humbly say thank you, bless your name, and I'll tell everyone how gracious you are and I'll enjoy you. Who am I that I should ask for more than he's already given, his very nature tucked away in this fading frame, the hope of glory? Who am I?!

A song in the dark

My body is once again undependable and feeling the effects of it's fallen, temporary home. Since April I've felt the pull on my body of disease. But in the last week or so it's ever present and beginning to be debilitating. This week I've felt the choking burn of tears hovering near the surface and the nagging pull of fear. As I was talking to Jesus about these concerns, asking for his provision, teaching, empowering, I heard him so sweetly say, worship me. And I did.

"Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
"Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?"
"Who has ever given to God,
that God should repay him?"
For from him and through him and to him are all things.
To him be the glory forever! Amen.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 11:33-12:2

As the songs "Be Near" and "I Belong" played I poured it out; my worship, my trust, my need, my desire for him, my love as an act of faith and adoration. I felt like the woman anointing Jesus feet with perfume, weeping and kissing those precious feet that came in search of me. And I knew that it was the Son who had drawn me to worship and the Spirit that had ignited the desire and ability to worship and the Father that had provided EVERYTHING I needed to worship him in the first place. I am completely aware that even worship is something I can't give him on own. And even as I worshiped he gave to me; peace, joy, rest.

He has constantly prepared me to worship. Over the course of the last week he has brought my mind back to timely truths, in his word, from a wise author, a song of praise. What a privilege it is to worship him. Worshiping God doesn't change God, he's always worthy, but it does change me. Trusting him in the dark and telling him so blesses his heart and confirms my faith, it strengthens our bond. Is it too much for him to ask for my body, my health? No! He can have it all.

Update

I had my appointment with the gynecologist yesterday. She said my hormone levels appeared to be in the normal range and certainly were no cause for the symptoms I've been having. She did say that normal hormonal fluctuations could aggravate the symptoms but almost certainly not cause them. She encouraged me to try to boost my immune system with pro-biotic supplements and to continue to ask questions of the neurologist to find answers and get a diagnosis. I appreciated her encouragement and advice. I think the journey to a diagnosis is going to take a while. I can't afford further tests at the moment. My insurance coverage will increase in the fall when I hit the year mark with this insurance provider. In the meantime we'll wait and see how things develop. Hopefully this flare up will resolve quickly and I'll begin to improve again soon.

Weakness made Strong

In speaking about the thorn in his flesh, whether illness or struggle with habitual sin, Paul says, "Three different times I begged the LORD to take it away. Each time he said, "My gracious favor is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses and with insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Doesn't make sense does it?! It goes against what the world and our nature considers success or favor. Weakness made strength? Only these things can be understood with spiritual minds, regenerated by the Word and Spirit of truth.

The last 7 days have been exhausting and trying for me physically, but truth be told the peace and beauty of Jesus has been my food and delight. I don't always handle my physical limitations with grace and wisdom (or in patience with my children) but I want to. God's power has allowed me to embrace this illness as a precious gift in my life. One that has revealed his character and goodness in deeper ways than I expected. I have no desire to pray it away, my desire is to be made complete in trust and submission. God is good and I trust his hand. I find myself being driven ever deeper into the heart of the Father.

Something else God is teaching me is that the display of his power and goodness in my weakness is not just for my spiritual well being, it is also for his body the church. I'm learning that nothing in our lives is just for us, even our salvation. Our spiritual gifts, the filling of the Spirit, hardships, joy, provision, poverty, lessons learned, our physical bodies, our eternity is all wrapped up in the well being of the bride. God is teaching me that even this sickness is for the good of his church. "We who believe are carefully joined together, becoming a holy temple for the Lord. Through him you Gentiles are also joined together as part of this dwelling where God lives by his Spirit" Eph. 2:21-22. In America we are such individuals but that's not God's plan. We are connected together to display his glory more fully. We can't realize the full power of Christ individually, it's only as we're connected together that we see his full plan and power.

So I offer up my body as a sacrifice, one that's pleasing to Jesus. But also for my brothers and sisters so that his power can be displayed through my weakness and his bride can be encouraged in faith and grace.

Worship

Today the altar of sacrifice looms before me; insurmountable, bloody, costly. But I strap myself down and turn my face to him in adoration. My mind turns to Romans 12:1 and Paul's plea "to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him." If he really wants my body he can have it, he has a claim on all that I am, it came from him in the first place and will return to him in the end.

Two days ago I knew the symptoms I had struggled with in the fall were back. Yesterday I walked with a limp and was dizzy, my hands felt week and strange, my memory struggled. It hit me like a ton of bricks because, since one mild flair up in January, I have improved physically to the point that I would have said I was 90 percent improved. I see my gynecologist next week, my neurologist wanted to have my hormone balance checked since that can effect neurological function. If that test comes back normal I'm back to the drawing board and will probably have further MS testing.

Yesterday when my symptoms flared so dramatically, I wanted to weep. The unknown of my health is stifling, the what ifs, the challenge of functioning when I feel so yucky makes me weary. BUT Jesus. If it wasn't for that sweet name, I would be tempted to lay down in despair. Instead I WORSHIP. In times like these I find the only thing to do is die. My plans, my hopes and desires even my needs all get heaped up on the altar. My body is fair game, money, husband and (I shudder) children, all are subject to the flames of sacrifice. But I find the sacrifice (ignited by the flame of the Spirit, initiated by the blood of the Son) is just a doorway and beyond the doorway of death is my real life, lived in the power and life and authority of the Son. I find that when I thought I was alive I was really dead and that when I died that's when my real life began. And I find that this twisting, turning journey of faith is really made up of multiple altars, deaths and resurrections. Until one day it's all done, the final death is encountered and one day my eyes open to the blinding radiance of my real life and it's all in my Beloveds face. No more faith, all sight.

Trust is worship

This post is long overdue, but I suppose better late than never. Some of you know about the physical challenges I've been experiencing for the last two and a half months, for others this will be news to you. I've been waiting for the right time to write about what I've experienced but I don't know that there ever is a right or good time. Regardless, I feel ready now.

My body started betraying me in August, although there were signs earlier had I known what to look for. At first it was the feeling that something wasn't quite right. I was tired, couldn't remember things as well, but I'm a mom since when haven't I been tired. By the second week of August intense dizziness and tingling in my hand began. I was feeling old and worn out. I experienced a tired I couldn't push through. The dizziness at times was so extreme that I just wanted to lie on the floor to make the room stop moving. But you can't always lie on the floor in the middle of church. Sometimes it made me nauseous. The odd tingling and sensory changes were disturbing. My left hand was affected most. My finger tips would feel like they'd gone to sleep and then my whole hand. I dropped things a lot. Sometimes it felt like little bugs crawling along my scalp or in my calves. The severe dizziness gave way to the feeling of occasional lightheadedness or off balance. The sensory change became permanent in my left hand. I felt like I was in a fog and had a hard time remembering things or following directions. Then the really scary symptoms set in. My legs became so weak, sore and hard to use I had a hard time walking. Some days I could hardly lift my feet and couldn't feel the bottoms of them. It didn't feel like my legs were my own anymore. I had been walking 2 to 4 miles several times a week, and loved it. By the end of August I could barely walk a few blocks. Some days I struggled to get out of bed.

I had an appointment with a neurologist at the end of September. I was suspecting MS. He felt there was reason to look for MS given my symptoms and ordered two MRIs and some blood work. I had an appointment with him this past week to discuss the findings of the tests. There was no sign of MS in the MRIs and the blood work indicated slightly elevated B6 levels in my body. Toxic levels of vitamin B6 cause nerve damage and some of the symptoms are very similar to MS. When I initially heard from his office, a few weeks before my follow up appointment, that my MRI's were negative for signs of MS and my B6 levels were elevated I was relieved and believed it was an easy answer. I have even seen improvement in some of my symptoms since I stopped taking supplements. However, when I talked to the neurologist this week it doesn't appear to be the easy answer I thought. My B6 levels were 26, the upper limit is 21, he considered this only slightly elevated. He said he would expect to see higher levels in someone who is struggling to walk and had the symptoms I was showing and has seen levels as high as 70. So, he believes the B6 certainly caused some symptoms but is only a piece of the puzzle, not the answer. Although I didn't show signs of MS in the MRIs he's not completely ready to rule out MS and may yet do a spinal tap to check for signs in my spinal fluid. He also wants to test for other auto immune diseases. So, while I'm not at square one I'm not much past it either.

At times I feel anxious and ready to know what I'm facing. Who is this silent foe? I want to know if my life is going to change permanently or is it something with an easy cure. I'm ready to know. There are still so many unanswered questions. As far as the 'why me' question though, it doesn't exist. God has so graciously prepared my heart for this journey. I have told God all along, and still do, that however he wants to use my body to bring himself glory I'm for it. I recently finished re-reading my favorite book, "Hinds Feet on High Places". What a reminder of the beautiful work suffering produces in our lives when we yield to his purposes and plan. I know that there is work to be done in my heart, my marriage, my family and hopefully in my church if I yield to God's plan of suffering. Not to mention the obvious truth that my life is no longer my own since I've participated in Jesus death and resurrection. Or that God is God and I'm not, if he's trustworthy I don't even want to question what comes from his hand, I trust it. In the midst of the uncertainty and discomfort I'm learning to offer up the sacrifice of worship. Worshiping in the darkness is an act of trust and I believe there is no greater way to worship than trust. I can already see the Holy Spirit using my health to prune and refine me. My heart's desire is to bare my heart to that work with abandon. I'm learning that my health really isn't the point, God's glory is. He has invited us to participate in bringing him glory and he will use any means possible to do that. He's been teaching me these truths for the last couple of years and now I feel like I'm putting them to the test, it's exciting!

I'll keep you updated on the news I receive about my health, as well as what God is teaching me. I know you understand that in my situation it's not uncommon to get tons of advice on my health. As much as I know the advice is well meant it can be overwhelming to receive regularly from many different sources. However, your encouragement and prayers for endurance are most welcome!

Tangled

Broken tangled heap, barbed, rusty mess. Useless. Hearts lying in disrepair, hidden, hurting. Encountering people, children who are broken, tangled, messy challenges me. Little ones, barefoot, soiled, wasted by loved ones, by the world. I don't understand. I don't like brushing up against poverty, I resent ignorance. I like things neat and useful. I like people I can understand. Nice, clean, tidy people. I like to pretend I am one...

Jesus' eyes pierce, reveal, hold answers. He's not put off by messy. Thank heaven. He delights in challenge, chance to show his power, time for glory. I straighten, tuck, clean the rooms of my heart. Puff of wind and the card house falls. Eyes raise, meeting his. Questions forgotten, answers found in his face, The Answer, The Face. Hopeless people, scary people, secrets locked in wounded hearts. I see broken mess, cast aside and useless he sees... he sees... I don't know, I can't understand. Promise.Mess made straight. Promise of wounds healed, chains loosed. Freedom. Do I hope in the promise? Find comfort in the promise? Extend the promise? To me, to others? Oh, God help me. I want to see beauty behind angry eyes. I want to see fear turn to love right before me. Reaching out to take a marred, quivering world by the hand scares me. Turn my fears into bold belief, Heart Tamer. "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."